FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume VI, Issue 298, 16 October 1873, Page 9

FACETIÆ.

One Way to Get Out of a Scrape. — Let your beard grow. Of all the birds that please us with their lays- tUe most popular is the hen.. Any young miss wonld rather have her corsets '-tight" than her "feller." Why didn't a dog want a place in the Ark ? — Because he had a barque of his own. '• John, is your luggage on board ?"— •• Tcb "— " Well, where is it."-" Eight hare ; I stand in the centre of it.!' Very few horses eat corned beef. But we saw one standing the other day before a store with 3. hit in. his mouth. A sentimental writer says, "It is hard to say good-bye. " Perhaps it is, but it is far easier to say ' ' good-bye " three time?, than 11 ichthyosaiirus " once. An lowa magistrate refused to line a man for kissing a girl against her will, on the ground that .Hannah could have bitten him, but did not. A boyof the period astonished his mother by saying, ", I wish father would get another wife." "Why, .my son?" "Because," replied the youngster, I'm tired of seeing you around 1" The "Kiss Quadrille is the dance in. Washington. In " swinging corners," each gentleman kisses his partner. It is said -to -Tie a very agreeable dance, and we would strongly endorse that opinion. Nt'arto it. — A fond husband boasted to a friend, " Tom, the old woman came near .calling me honey last night." — "Did she Sill. What did she say ? "— " She said, ' Well, old Beeswax, come to supper.' " , Entire confidence. — In a French court recently, as a witness was about to give his testimony, ihe advocate remarked, " I wish to state to^the court that this witness is entitled to. entire confidence, as he has not had time to consult a lawyer. Anicehand. —A lady the other day had occasion to withdraw from her furs an exceptionally fair and well shaped hand. " What a perfect hand,' 1 whispered Susceptible to his companion; "never saw so beautiful a hand before." " I held a prettier last night," said Quatrevington — "the four aces at poker." A Brooklyn lass lately "took the veil," but she was caught and locked up for taking ' It. A New York paper says :—": — " Few people, probably, as a rule, sleep so soundly or enjoy so much uninterrupted repose as, nightwatchmen," A Massachusetts postmistress has resigned her ofiic<3 because she can't find time to read all the postal cards and attend to her household duties. The shocking statement is made that a young miss in Ballston wears her back' hair 86 tight that she c*n neither shut her eyes nor get her heels to the floor. A citizen of the Nutmeg State commends the young ladies of his country thus :—": — " Ah, these :liitchfield'': liitchfield' ' county" girls' make good wives ; I've had three of them." a Nevada paper reports that the servant girla of-;ffelena have' atrock foT 66 idols, a moijth, two silk dresses, and the privilege of the L p'arlour every Sunday. ~ , „. Aj clergyman is reported to be authority for the statement <hat a convention of baldheaded men is soon to be held in Boston for the purpose of reviving the old wig party. Compliments.— 'Hostess (wishing to be polit •)—") — " Grood evening, Mr. Lovibond ! So sorry your, wife couldn't- come too!" Host (wishing to be politer). — "Nobody here is likely— Haw — to regret Mrs. Lovibond's .abscgncehalf so much— haw — as Mr. LoviVpn4 does,!-,' . ' . At'the time jof, the cattle plague a certain farmer was ,s'ei2»d with the strange idi-a that fiewas.sufferingfrom.it. No doctor could persuade him to the contrary. At last one medical man gave him a prescription to take to a chemist. : ThecheimV soon understood the nature of the case, and read aloud the note :— "This man has the cattle-plague; take him into your backyard and shoot him, in accordance jprith' the act of Parliament." The farmer quickly vanished, and was cured from thenceforward, ' An obituary of a man 'was lately published in a Kentucky paper. Upon reading it the deceased sent the following correction :—: — " Sir, felttere is a iew errors in the obituary of myself whicU appeared in your paper of last wensday, i was. born in greenup co, not caldwell, and my retirement from bisnes in 1«6~9 ;w as not owin to iU held, but tv a little . truble l had in. connection with a horse, and th'e,cojp of my death was not small pox please iaake correctsons. 4