FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume VI, Issue 297, 9 October 1873, Page 7

FAC ETIÆ.

A beautiful school girl, 13 years old and six feet one inch high, is causing a general rupture among the suspenders of the short boys who try to kiss her. Mr. Buckstone. of the Haymarket Theatre, thus announces the close of his season : — • The end of the « Wicked World ' is «pproaching." The date of the event is July 12. At a recent agricultural show in Norfolk, one ot ilie inhabitants tlins uttered his sentiments on a canvass banner :— " Of all the crops the fanner raises, Or Capital employses. None brings such comfort and such praises, As a crop of girls and boyses." In Massachusetts, when a preacher recently reached " Seventeenthly " in his sermon a knowing chap yelled "fire!" and the congregation was promptly dismissed. I A young gentleman, speaking of a young r beauty's fashionable yellow hair, .called it pure gold. "It ought to be," quoth X ; •• it looks like twenty-four carrots." An Irishman, leaning against a lamp-post as a. funeral procession was passing, was asked who was dead. '* I can't exactly say, sir, but I presume it is the man in the coffin." It is a little singular how much valuable time a woman will take up in studying the postmark of a letter to see where it comes from, when she can open the letter and find it out at once. A Rochester woman, married to her second husband, recently said to him : '* Oh, how tappy poor Charles vroold be, if he were still alive, to see himself replaced hy a man as agreeable as you are." Self-sacrifice. — Boy_ (to lady visitor). — " Teacher, there's a gal over there a winkin at me." Teacher—" Well, then, don't look at her." Boy— "But if I don't look at her, she'll wink at.somebody else !" It is relatedspf Mark Twain that a few months after his first baby was born, as he was holding it on his knee, his wife said. " Now confess that you love the child !" "I can't do that," replied the humourist, " but am willing to admit that I respect the little thing for his father's sake." A certain clergyman, who left a notice in his pulpit to be read by the preacher who exchanged with him, neglected to denote care- - fully a private postscript, and the congregation were astonished to hear the stranger wind up by saying : " You will please come to dine with me at the parsonage." A comfortable old couple, who had never been in a railway .train in all their lives before, took seals in one leaving Perth for - Glasgow the other day, for the purpose of visiting their son in the latter city. The old couple became highly excited at their rapid flight, and nothing would satisfy the old gentleman but that at every station he must* needs get out to gaze around in admiration and wonder, to the evident alarm and uneasiness of his spouse Janet, who- would not move from her seat. The train at length .moved off, leaving the old fellow oh the station platform gazing helplessly at the, reftflflfoig face of his wife, from whom he was mow indeed parted by a power over^hich he bad no control. When Janet saw her frantic guidman thus foolishly left behind the tarhnri hex head onfrof the window, and to ffrirawiflmmfln* irf her fellow-traveller*, ex---jeJbuaad—"There noo, Sounders, jeVe done '4»«nel!,at laat wi' yer thrawneas, Weel, •* s irael f " she continued, settling down in her Nfeat, "rmkinnaglado't tae,Jbr he's aye \ 3eW craikicraikin a' alang. '# Jenny, haste yej£ere, and haste ye there ; yell be late for /*ne kirk, 1 or * yell no catch the train': an' /-/noo he's gane an' got left himsel', stuck up f there like a stirk in a sta'. Od ! I'm glad. _ o't. Ifß ft lesgon he'fl no forget hi a fcirry, 1 ' -J. '