FACETIÆ,

Tuapeka Times, Volume VI, Issue 296, 2 October 1873, Page 7

FACETIÆ,

Anna Dicklinson'a last lecture is entitled " Tilings Hoped For." Her American critic explains that she doesn't mean husbands. They are a thing she lias long ceased to hope for. A minister asked a tipsy fellow, leaning up |^igainst a fence, where he expected to go he died. "If I can't get along any better than Ido now," he said, "l shan't go anywhere. An Alabama paper publishes the following notice: — "Married, at Flintstone, by the Eev Mr Windstone, Mr Nehemiah Sandstone and Miss Wilhelmjna Egglestone, both of Ldmstone. The late Dr. Macadam, of Melbourne, told of a tipsy Scotchman making his way home upon a bright Sunday morning, when the good folk were wending their way to kirk. A little dog pulled the ribbon from the hand of a lady who was leading it, and as it ran away from her, she appealed to the first passer-by, asking him to whistle for her poodle. '• Woman !" he retorted, with that solemnity of visage which only a drunken Scotchman can assume. '* Woman, this is no a day for whistlin. " — Melbourne ' 'Herald. ' |* A gentleman complains that, after a great *■ deal of trouble, he had not been able to meet with an ugly woman, bo that he much doubts ■whether, after all, such a being exists, 'fror my part," says Jig, " I almost believe such a creature to be^a mere chimera of the imagination, and to-be classed with- those fictitious beings whose heads are said to grow beneath their shoulders. Some years ago I made the following experiments : — I caused two advertisements to he inserted in the papers for a housekeeper — one was for a lady who should not only be competent for such an office, but qualified also for a companion, and be a woman of beauty and elegant manners ; the other required nothing of this— it only required as a sine qua non that the applicant should be ugly. In answer to the former advertisement I was over-whelmed with letters from so many accomplished and beautiful ladies, jthat I congratulate the present age and my own country on possessing bo much female excellence. But (would you ' believe it?) to the latter I received not a single reply ; aud I have since, more than once, isnerted the same advertisement with exactly the same success." A bluff-looking man in a farmer's work«la.y costoine entered a. railwaY car n.6 a. (^ation. The car -was well filled, all the seats being occupied but one, which was half iHled by a finely dressed exquisite. The farmer, seeing his only chance for a seat, asked the exquisite if t'other half of that seat was •' took." Receiving a negative, answer, he responded, "Wall, then, I reckon I'll squat.' like most of our hardy yeomanry, he was " inclined to be sociable. '• Snug winter morning," said lie. No response. " Shouldn't wonder if we had some more snow afore night." Still no response from exquisite, who looked out of the rear window, evidently much annoyed. After several attempts to elicit some reply, the farmer gave a yawn, and quietly remarked, " Killed a hog yesterday, bet you can't guess how much he weighed." Driven almost to desperation, the poor fellow said, tartly, '' Four hundred pounds." Yawning again, " No, didn't weigh that." " Well, three hundred and fifty then." Another yawn, "No, didn't weigh three and a half." Very impatiently, "Three hundred." Yawning still, "No, not that." Almost ready to explode, "How much did your old hog weigh, anyhow ?" " Waal, he want much of a hog, and I didn't weigh him." Old Mr. Watson, of Nelson-street,ifa.as got a nicejdttle bill to pay. He sent a man downtown for a pot of paint and a ladder, The man got the paint, and then went to a lumber yard after a ladder. Then Jie tied the paint pot to the end of the ladder, and put the ladder on his shoulder. This was a very smart arrangement, and the man himself admired it very much. He started for Home, and didn't find any trouble in getting ■ along, the first block, because people had an impression that a long ladder with a pot of yellow paint dangling on the end of it wasn't exactly the thing to trifle with, so they balanced along on the curbstone and rubbed up against the buildings. Pretty soon the man saw somebody he knew in the store, and he turned round to speak to Mm, and drove one end of tfhe ladder into a millinery case, and knocked the crown out o£ an eighteen dollar „ bonnet. Then he backed off in affright, aud knocked down two sewing machine agents with the other end. Then he started to turn round, and an old gentleman who was desperately endeavouring to pull his wife out of danger, saw the peril, arid shouted out •' Hi, there 1" But it was too late. The pot struck against an awning post to one side, and the entire contents went over the aged couple. This so started the mani that he whirled completely round, smashing in an entire store front frightening a milkman's team, and knocking over some thirteen persons who were actively dodging to get out of the way. Then he dropped the ladder, and fled into the country, shouting "murder" and fire at every jump, A regularly ordained painter is now engaged on Mr. Watson's bouse, — " Danbury News." <$■

'* Woman,