FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume VI, Issue 293, 11 September 1873, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

An lowa clergyman, ' who had a donation party lately, has beans enough to last him thirty-seven years. A Michigan restaurant keeper has painted on his sign: — " A good square meal, 1 dol.; a perfect gorge, 1 dol. 50 cents." The Cincinnati servants are taking a vacation in the country while their mistresses Badly and sweetly do the house-cleaning. flowa man. tried to draw a cork from bottle with Ms teeth, and had it sent his throat. That bottle was his A Californian lover who had proposed and been accepted, lately sold his interest in his wife that was to be for the price of a new vest. A down east paper asserts that when Mrs. Soott-Siddons frowns, its object feels as must a Congressman who has pocketed his back payOne of Delaware's judges permits lawyers practising in his Court, to* call him a " bloated old rhinoceros," on the payment of 2 dols. " I don't believe it's any use, this vaccination." said a Yankee ; "I had a child vaccinated, and he fell out of a winder a week after, and got killed." The ll(l l( Louisville Courier Journal" thinks the sight of four able-minded men playing croquet ia the sublimest spectacle chat an impoverished country ever beheld. A Wisconsin exchange says that ever sinew a Green Bay man hung himself on a certain plum tree, the blossoms have been as red as fire, and each plum as white as a sheet. The prisoners in the gaol at Davenport, la., have shown their appreciation of the eternal fitness of things by signing a petition asking that the saloons in that city be closed on Sunday. Digging for horse-radish, an Omaha farmer suddenly conceived a profound contempt for that powerful vegetable, by discovering a buried kettle containing 6000 dollars in gold. The average weight of a woman's hair is fourteen ounces, yet many ladies of our time carry from sixty to sixty-four ounces, which may be the reason so many of them are stiffnecked. A Bayvilie society, upon the death of one its members, resolved " That we buy all our groceries and tobacco of his estimable widow, who has our sympathy in the dark hour, but who should at onoe re-stock the store for the BprhA|rade." v^na has a female jack-of-all-trades Moreover, she understands herself thoroughly, for she advertises thus: — "Ann Agnkal, sick nurse, watches dead bodies, repairs aftraw chairs, applies leeches, and makes pastry, desserts, and delicaaes." " Now. John, suppose there's a load of hay on one side of the river, and a jackass on the other, and no bridge, and the river too wide to swim, how can the jackass get to the hay?" ♦'I give it up." "Well, that's just what the other jackass did." A Georgia reporter thus boasts of the oysters raised on the coast of that state :—: — " The smallest ,ones that can be found are fourteen inches long, four inches wide, and twelve inches in circumference. The larger ones are pulled out with a steam dredge." Sentimental young men at Brownsville, Term.. insist that it is impossible to talk love to the suburban belle beneath the trees and in the moonlight, owing to the interposition of the caterpillars, that even crawl between clasped hands and beating hearts. A young lady informs her friends that she only writes once a day to the man she loves better than all others, and does not think that too often in these long daya ; but admits that it may be rather too frequent for winter, when the days are so much shorter. The following notice -was posted in the lobby of a Presbyterian church on Sunday last :—" Notice. —The person who stole 4 Songs of the Sanctuary ' from seat No. 32 should improve the opportunity of singing them here, as he will have no occasion to sing them hereafter." A fural visitor upset the Chattanooga gasometer under the impression that it was a sugar hogshead, and the city was left in darkness. A correspondent wants to know whether, considering the great utility of the ocean, poets are not wrong in calling it a " waste of water." , A young lady was lately taken aback when ' her swain got upon his knees before her and read a declaration of love which he had nicely written off. ..A li*tle beggar girl in New York has got. hold of the wrong paper, which certifies that '-' the bearer is a widow with five children, in destitute circumstances." The following is from a tombstone in a TArbjrath churchyard :— '"Here lie the bodies of John, William, Robert, and David Hue, who all died in the hope of a gloriou3 resurrection — excepting David w Society belles in New York are in a flutter "urconsequence of the intelligence that the King of the Sandwich Islands is coming there. Well, lie is a marrying man, and the girls will have a good chance. A dozen more . or less is nqthmg in the eyes, of a. Sandwich