FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume VI, Issue 291, 28 August 1873, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

A Heavy Trial.— The Claimant's. The Home Circuit — Walking about with^ baby in the night. , ... Sweetening one's coffee is generally the first stirring event of the day. - ' '":■ Another poor girl has died in.Virgiakt ': ! from the use of tobacco at the age of Jtiffi.'jt She was an orphan. „ .a^^ An Ingenious gaoler, down, East'giVesTj^ 1 ' 0 prisoners three pounds of Epsom salts week to prevent them breaking out. ;-;.v^ . X trifle from the British Association. t^%*H What 'id the difference between fixed &£»' ' and shooting stars ?A. The one are s^jis'; the others are darters. Tummus— "A' wonder what makes fold , cow's tail wag so to-day, Seusan ?''— Seusan — «• Same; that makes thy tongue wag so lad; it's fashed wi' a koind o' weakness." Wedding cards in Deaver consist of the* "jack of diamonds" and the "queen of hearts," with the names of the contracting parties on each. If the bride's mother-in--law is living "the ten of clubs" is also en-, closed. ' . l "What is a bustle? we were reo*Bsb/' asked. We could not tefl. and as a yopng friend of ours recently got married, we^pro-, pounded to him. After blushing quietly, he thus exclaimed, " Tt's a thingumbob 1" [Now, what in the wor.ld is a thingumbob?] ' ' 1 Don Fiatt writes about popping the question on horseback as though he had been there :— '* Don't do it ; it's the most awkward place to pop in the world. If you're rejected ,you cant get away; if you're accepted you can't embrace. — Horses don't understand .that, and by the time you get your arms around her, the confounded animal pulls you apart ; and if you attempt to kiss you are. joggled up and down, all over "the conntenance, kissing the nose and chin more than ■any other place." . One of Mark Twain's fanners bought some Bartlett pear trees, and the next season, he took some of the fruit to the tree dealer. . - ■ " What kind of pears do you call these ?" "Well, I don't know; Button pears, per* haps." "But they grew on one of those .trees you sold me for a Bartlett." "Are ■you such a fool," was the dealer's convincing 1 rejoinder, "as to. suppose a tree, is going to bear Bartlett pears the first year." It is hinted that a woman in Connecticut whose speech was lately restored after twelve ? years silence, is making up for lost time. An American, writing poetically of the weather,- says, *' The backbone of winter' is broken, but the tail wags yet occasionally." A Chicago editor received a gold pen for a Christmas present, but he doesn't use it; He says it is not half so handy as his old ' pair of scissors in geting up editorial articles. An afflicted husband was returning from . the funeral of his wife when a friend asked him how he was. " Well," said he pathetically, "I think T feel the better for that little walk. A California paper announces that there is a woman in the state who is 107 years old, and adds, "Her parents can point to her with pride as a sample of their success in. raising children." An American editor, writing to a Connecticut brother i—'* Send full particulars of the flood"— meaning an inundation at that place —received for reply ; " You will find them in Genesis." ' - ' A punctual Minnesota maiden lately married a casual acquaintance who happened to meet' her in the church, rather than bekept waiting for her original intended, who was a quarter of an hour behind the appointed time. The Invalid's Vest-Pocket Companion, just,, issued by a Boston house, is the title of &_& _ new article made to- exactly imitate a cigar. It contains "brandy, ami those who would not dare to sip openly have only to pretend to be biting off the end 'of a cigar. A church in the north country which recently needed a pastor has a beadle who took, an active interest in all proceedings taken to- ■ fill up the vacancy. One of the candidates, after the afternoon service was over, put off his gown in the vestry and stepped into the churoh, in which our worthy was' jnst putting things to right. "I am just taking a look at the church," said the minister. " Ay. take a quid look at it," said the beadle, (( for it's no likely yell ever see't again."

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