FACETIǼ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume VI, Issue 290, 21 August 1873, Page 7

FACETIǼ.

The best substitute for silver— Gold. A bad policy— One that has run out. It is a great aggravation when you are out on a pleasure ride to meet your most pressing creditor driving a pair of dun ponies. If you let the cat out of the bag, never try to cram it back again ; it only makes matters worse. 'A sharp child tied crape on the door-knob, to see if the carriages would come to take them out riding, as they did the family across the street. Catarrh is so severcin StPaul, Minn., that the afflicted thank heaven, every time they sneeze, that they did not break their backs. A man niaety-one years old has just been elected president^ a Providence bunk. The idea is this : should he steal anything he is too feeble to get away with it An Irish schoolmaster, while giving his class some oral in-truction in natural history, defined an amphibious animal as one that could not live in the water, and that died if you took it on dry land. Somebody advertises for agents to sell a work entitled "Hymeneal Instructor." A contemporary adds, " The best hymeneal instructor we know of is a young widow. What she dou't know there is no use in learning." "My love," said Mrs. Maydup to her spouse on returning from her drive, " I have had a hairbreadth escape." "Ah," said the brute, you were well out of danger if it was the same hair as you've got on now." An American paper says in one of its issues: —"On Monday, April 10, five hundred barrels of Cincinnati whisky were landed on the levee in Louisville. On Wednesday, the 12th, the "Louisville Courier- Journal appeared without a 'me of editorial. A Sunday-school scholar, only six years old, was asked by his teacher, " Why they took Stephen out side the city to stone him to death? 1 ' The little fellow was silent for a moment, as though absorbed with the problem, when, brightening up suddenly, he replied, " So that they could get a beter crack at him. "I saw," says a reporter, "a dog bite a man in the leg at the market. The man laughed and the dog bit, and it was a queer sight to look at, for {he harder the dog bit the louder the man laughed, until the dog fainted away from exhaustion. It was the best sell on a dog that I have met with in this section. The man had a cork leg, and the dog left his teeth sticking in it." A brave little boy in Ohio found a broken rail on the railroad track, and perceiving the peril in which the train would be placed if it should come dashing past without warning, sat out on the fence for five long hours in the bi;ter winter cold, in order that he might carry the first news of ihe accident to his father, who is local editor of a paper published in the neighbouring village. <* Miss Kitty Jones, daughter 'of Dr. Jones, loves her father, and takes an interest in hia profession. The other day a lady friend called to see her, and asked her how she was getting along. " Oh, pretty well," answered Kitty, " pretty well— plenty of colds, Borne bronchitis, and a little typhus fever ; but, as father said yesterday, to make things lively what we want is a little epidemic." " Will the horse draw well?"—" Thee will be pleased to see him draw." The bargain was concluded, and the farmer tried the horse, but he would not stir a step. He returned, and said: "That horse will not draw an inch." — "I did not tell thee it would draw, friend ; I only remarked that it would please the.c to see him draw ; so it would me, but he would never gratfiy me in that respect." • The other day a father and son were dressing a hog, the father doing the chopping. By a mistake, instead of splitting the hog .open he split his son's hand. In explanation of how it hapened to the doctor, the father exclaimed, "I cannot tell a lie, doctor, indeed I cannot. I did it with my little hatchet." The son was greatly moved, and was heard to remark that he " had rather have such a f ither than a whole slaughterhouse full of dead hogs." A Brooklyn woman named Mrs Ann Costello, while walking along the streets, suddenly found her shoulder between the teeth of an unfamiliar horse. After twirling the lady about and flinging her to the pavement, the noble brute strode majestically off, trampling upon her as he went. The woman lay insensible on the sidewalk for nearly an hour. Had she been able to cry out promptly, she might have been arrested on suspicion of having maltreated that horse. New York pick-pockets complain, through the press, that tbey are denied proper opportunities, for developing their virtuous traits. Accordingly, they ask that people who travel in street cars carry their name and address in their pocket-books Thus many little articles, such as Confederate notes, hair tweezers, dinner-pills, tooihpicks, Ac., for which the light fingered gentry have no use, may be return d along with the portmonnaies and such dismantled " leather. ' There was a rule among the Scotch judges, and the senior members of the bar on circuit, that they only should drink claret; the juniors were restricted to sherry and port. At Ayr, Brougham sat as a junior, just under the salt. The claret came down to him, aud should have crossed the table without paying tribute ; but, each time it came,- Brougham filled his glass. '"Do you see," said the president, "that impudent fellow, Brougham, helping himself to claret ? If he tries it ag.iin, 1 11 speak to him." Bound came the claret, and Brougham took a bumper. " Mais' er Brougham." said his lordahip. "that's claret. " "I know it iB my lord and excellent claret too." A lady writer in one of the religious papers thinks women should be appointed teachers of olasaes of the larger boys and young men, because ''the love and reverence big lads feel for a lady teacher fill up a gap in their lives at a very dangerous time, and prevent them falling a prey to the enticements of bold and forward girls, who would make thenSSmo^t unworthy wives." r