F A C E T I A E.

Tuapeka Times, Volume VI, Issue 287, 31 July 1873, Page 8

F A C E T I A E.

A see-saw. — The sword fish. The most dreaded sharp-shooters. — Aching teeth. & Why is a bad shot like aD amusing companion? — Because he is the boy to kee the game alive. A "sufferer" at an American hotel says "the flies come down to breakfast at the sound of the gong." What would this world be without woman—A perfect blank— like a sheet cf paper, not even ' ' ruled." A sailor who has a scar -which is the result of a dispute on shore many years ago, refers to it as an old landmark. A certain Mr. David Fender, popping the question in a letter, concluded thus : '* Yes, dear Mary, I will truly be your D. Fender." Notices have been posted on the outside of the street cars in Pittsburg (U.S.) to the effect that they will not wait for young ladies to kiss " Good-bye." People who believe the current storing;, about intelligent dogs will read with pleasure I that a lost dog in .Norfolk, having seen hi^ master's advertisement in one of the local prints, promptly went home. A boarder, of a Shakesperian torn, says that his bed reminds him of Kichard 111., because if. is "deformed, unfinished," and scarce half made up " An expensive wife makes a pensive husband. Talk about the modern falling-off of home affections ! Our wives are becoming dearer every day. Cream may be frozen by simply putting ifc into a glass vessel, and then placing *the whole in an old bachelor's bosom. An lnd.ana Sunday-school man writes to a Bible firm in New York :—": — " Send me on some Sunday-school papers and books. Let the books be about pirates and Tmli.^ns as far as possible " The death of Baron Channell has revive! an auecdote of his practice at the Bar. His lordship was always regirded as a man of sound legal learning, and very considerable general erudition, but he was at the same time remarkable for his u,tter disregard of the unfortunate le ter H. Being engaged in a commercial suit, in which the ship *• Harrow" was the bone of contention, the Judge expressed a wish to know what was really the name of the vessel. " Was she," he asked, " the ' Harrow,' or the ' Arrow V "My lord," replied Mr Channell's witty but disrespectful • junior, " when the ship is at sea she is known as the • Harrow,' but when she gets into the chops of the Channell she becomes the ' Arrow.' " Neat Reproof. — Louis XV frequently tallied to his courtiers in a manner extremely disagreeable to them, without intending to give them pain. One day, when Cardinal de Lynes was paying respects to him, ''Cardinal," said the king to him, "yourgreatgrandfather died of paoplexy; and you look as if you would die of an apoplectic stroke." " Sir," answered the cardinal, "fortunately for us, we do not live in the times when kings are prophets." An old fellow who is noted through the town for his stuttering as well as his shrewdness in making a bargain, stopped at one of tixe markets the otter morning and inquired. ; " How m-m-many t-t-turkeys have you got?" "Eight, sir,' replied the huckster. "T-t- > tough or t-t-tenrler?" " Some are tender and' > some are tough, all a guinea each." "I keep b-b-boarders, ' said the new customer. "Ppick out the f-four t-t-toughest t-t-turkeys, if you please." The delighted huckster Very willingly complied wih the unusual request, and said in his politest tone, "There are the tough ones, sir." Upon which, the old boy coolly put his hand on the remaining four, and exclaimed, " I'll t-t-ake these !" Four seamen came to the door of a British member of Parliament (at least they represented themselves as seamen), and said they were in great distress, having been wrecked off Hull, when the following circumstances took place : — " I went to speak with them,'' says the M.P. in telling the story, "as my sympathies are with seamen. As soon I saw them, I saw that one was a seaman ; but, as we say in Lancashire, I saw with half an eye the other three were hale fellows well met, picked up on the road. I said, " I am very sorry to hear of your accident. What vessel were you wrecked in?" They said the Elizabeth. I told the seaman to stand where he was ; I told the first of tho other three men to stand 10 or 15 yards to the right ; the second to retire 10 or 15 yards to the left, and the third man to stand off in the front. Well, they could not tell what I was after, and I wdnt quickly up to one and said, • I am very sorry to hear of the Elizabeth being lost. What was the Captain's name?' 'Jones,' was the reply. I went to the next, told him I sincerely regretted the accident, and asked the name of the captain of the Elizabeth. 'Captain Brown sir.' I went to another and said ' My good friend, I am exceedingly distressed on your account. What was the name of the captain?' ' Captain Smith i>ir.' I said, 'Come here, men. Your are a pretty set of fellows here to go and sail in a ship Elizabeth, and you have three captains. l:ou might well be lost, and deserve it, too." Fallacy of the Faculty. — Physicians often prescribe change of air when the change really required for the poor patient's cure is change of circumstances. A Rank Deception. — Private Smithers — "Blessed if 1 haven't lost'alf a stone in weight a toiling up the Castle Hill to these 'ere field days!" Private Leary— "flould your whist there, Tim !If the officers hear ye they'll be thryin' ye by •coort-martial for making away wid government proper ry." Penny wise. — National Schoolmaster (going round with Government Inspector)— " Wilkins, how do yon bring shillings into pence?" Pupil—" Please sir, takes it round to the public-house, sir!" Candlemas kept wholly — The Ritualists have proved that they ought aU to be RoiJWJ Carbolics by rites*