FACETIǼ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume VI, Issue 285, 17 July 1873, Page 7

FACETIǼ.

Every young doctor must get on if he only has patients . A goat is good as a milker, but succeeds better as a butter. "Well, Janet, how is John today?" " O, lie's deid, thank ye." Why is your dog like an illogical inference ? — Because, do you see, it don't follow. Love, that has nothing but beauty to keep it in good health, is short-lived, and apt ti> have ague tits. A Delaware judge lias let a lawyer off with a tine of one dollar for calling him " a bloated old rhinocerous. " A man camiot possess anything that is better than a good -woman, nor anything that is worse than a bad one. — Simoni ies. A dog with two tails was seen in faunton the other day. One belonged to an ox, aud was carried vi the dog's mouth. If idleness be the root of all evil, then matrimony's good for sometliing. for it sets many a poor woman to work. — Vanbrugh. is ever turn round in the s ree to see what another girl is wearing, because, if you do, you will always find her doing -.he same thing. A Cincinnati paper is credited with saying that only one mau out of forty in that city would refuse to take a drink at a stranger's expense. Thirty persons were recently poisoned at Coral, AJich., by eating sausages. That's what comes of leaving the brass collars on the dogs. The following is a true copy of a letter received by a Yankee schoolmaster :—": — " Sur, as you are a man of noledge I intend to inter my son in yur skull." He that does not know those things which are of use and necessity for him to know, is but an ignorant man, whatever he may know besides. — TUlotson. A Muscatine clergyman is speaking against the re-establishment of the death penalty in lowa. He says he does not want his congregation thinned out too fast. An American speculator has commenced business on the great coming event for 1874 — namely, the transit of Venus. He adver- _ tises front seats at a hundred dollars each. r The chap who could do all the business he ■wanted to do without advertising has been compelled to advertise at last. The new advertisement is headed '• Sheriffs Sale." A Georgia woman is credited with raise- ' ing a large family, although not out of her teens. It was her step-mother's family, and she did it with a keg of gunpowder planted in the cellar. The " New York Mail " tells us that a favorite hotel is to be kept this season at one of the watering places " by the widow of Mr. Jones, who died last summer on a new and improved plan." New London, Conn., has now the meanest man. He keeps a beer saloon. \i c rewarded a man who re'urned his lost pocket-book, containing 200 dols., by offering to '• toss him for drinks."' A servant-girl in Saginaw named Bridget Reagan was arrested for pilfering, and when searched six pounds of butter, with a piece of ice and seven pounds of sugar, were found secreted in her bosom. The other day an excited individual accosted a street gamin with the question, " I say, boy, which is the quickest way for me to get to the railway station ?" " Run, or take a cab," was the response. "Sally, what have you done with the cream ? These children cannot take skimmilk for breakfast." " Sure, ma'am, and it isn't myself that would be afther giviner the acum to yez. I tuk that off and gave "it to the cats." A Michigan girl, who is lame, has red hair and no teeth, lately drew a 7000 dols. farm at a gift concert, and now all the bachelor farmers thereabout call her "beautiful being" — she used to be called Toothless Bricktop. A Parisian gunmaker has the following notice outside his window — "To those Disappointed in Love. A great choice of Patent Revolvers. N.B. — In the case is all the apparatus necessary for extracting the ball and dressing the wound." A worthy old lady offers the following advice to girls : " Whenever a fellow pops the question, don't blush and stare at your foot. Just throw your arms around his neck, look him full in the face, and commence talking about the furniture." " Is Mike M'Closkey in the ranks ?" asked the commander-in-chief, as the army stood in line" of ba'tle. "Here, Gineral" said Mike, stepping forward. "Then let the engagement begin, "■ said the General. Tnat is the way Mike tells the story. An indiscreet youth in Cairo has been fined for violently kissing the school ma'am She-was so homely that the judge said there ?yas absolutely no excuse for him.