FACETIǼ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume VI, Issue 284, 10 July 1873, Page 11

FACETIǼ.

Cutting a stick — Dropping a prosaic acquaintance. When is a woman cold as ice? — When she is a scold. "Transported" for life — The man who marries happily. TV hat none of us ever drink from — The tap of the drum. A man with a long head is not very apt to be headlong. Why is a thriving tradesman like ice? Because he is solvent What form of Government is the most popular reform nowadays ? — Reform. Creatures that never show the "white feather " — Crows and blackbirds. Many hands are employed in printing, but we have seen a footprint. Dr. Hopkins, of Newport, called one day j on a young man in his parish who had beeu out of health, and, after improving the occasion by some serious and condoling reflections, observed to him :—": — " Well, my young friend it is now a long time since you were able to come to meeting ■with us ; I think I must bring you one of my sermons and read it to you." "Ah!" replied the reprobate, "I wish you would, Doctor, for 1 haven't had a wink of sleep for several days ! " ideas. — In the mind of man : That am^is overworked. That his constitution iMqaires stimulants. That, if he had them, he could at this moment invest a few hundreds to the greatest advantage. That he could preach as good a sermon himself. In the mind of woman : That she has nothing fit to put on. That she is not allowed sufficient money for housekeeping. That she never goes out anywhere. That she requires a change about the month of August. That she never looks fit to be seen. How to grow poor — Leave the stove drafts open, and send out more heat at the top of the chimney than is radiated into the rooms. This willh.elpjto burn out the stove, as well as make way with the coal. Put away the clothes-boiler half-dry, so that it will rust out, Leave the tap of the vinegar barrel leaking. Leave soap-grease where cats, rats, and mice can eat it, and buy soap at 12 cents per pound. Scrape pots and black pans with silver spoons. Use tin instead of iron vessels over a hot fire, and burn them out. " Mony a little makes a muckle." . A Chinaman was summoned as a witness in New York, and to ascertain bis views on the nature of an oath, the judge asked him what would be his punishment if he should swear to lies " I shall never return to China, but always remain in New York," was the reply, and he was at once sworn, A Vallejo, Cal., young lady, about to go off in the cars, stepped into the dark sittingroom of the depot to kiss her friend Sarah goodbye. Owing to the darkness she didn't hit Sarah, but caromed on a Chinaman, and didn't find out the mistake until John began yelling, "Whatee for you so chokee me? Hi yah ! No squezee so much ! " One yell, a flopping of feminine garments, a slammed door, and that girl was goneA. clergyman was utterly shocked, when administering consolation to a dying Highland chief, to be asked if there " was any whisky in heaven ! " And half apologetically, " Ye ken, sir, it's no that I care for it, but it looks weel on the table." An American critic thus describes a popular preacher of the emphatic type:— "There's no whipping the devil round the stump with him ; he jumps right at him, tooth and toenail, and I'm fiambergasted if I don't think he rather worsted him this morning. .... He raises old Kentuck in me in a minute. I'll tell you what it is, that's what I call a real tear down sneezer ; he's a barkwell and holdfast, too ; he dosen't honey it up to 'em and mince his words — he lets it down upon 'em hot and heavy ; he knocks down and drags out ; first he gVes it to 'em in one eye, and then t'other ; then in the gizzard, and at last he gets your head under his arm, and then, I reckon, he feathers it in between the lug and the horn ; he gives a fellar no more chance nor a coon has in a black jack." This style would suit the new Nottingham pugilistic convert to teetotalism and piety.