FACETIǼ,

Tuapeka Times, Volume VI, Issue 283, 3 July 1873, Page 7

FACETIǼ,

When people come to high words they are pretty certain to use low language. Why are clergymen, like brakesmen ? — Because they do a great deal of coupling. A goose has many quills, but an author would make a goose of himself with only one quill. Still life. — The whiskey-manufacturing business. A man most likely to make his mark in the world, — One who cannot write his own name. A •well-known physician, on being asked if iron would not be a good tonic for a lady patient, replied that ironing would be better. An enterprising Western doubles his former receipts by advertising ice as " solidified protoxide of hydrogen." Why is a blunt knife partially ground like a young pickpocket ? — Because it is a little sharper. The most warlike nation of modern times is vaccination, because it is always in arms. What is the difference between a cliud and a beaten child? — One pours with rain and the other roars with pain. To drive rats out of a house, let the basement floor to an amateur trombone player. What are the most unsociable things in the world? — Milestones — you never see two of them together. "Pa, what is a green grocer?" "One who trusts, my boy. Remember it." Life may be merry as well as useful. Every person who owns a mouth has always a good opening for a laugh. "Ah, parson, if I could oidy take my gold with me," sighed a dying deacon to his pastor. "If you could it might melt," was the consoling reply. Mike, speaking of a celebrated musician, said: "He has led a very abandoned life. " "O, yes," replied Scaley, "the whole tenor of his life has been iass." Last winter it is said that a cow floated down the Mississippi on a piece of ice, and caught such a coM that she has yielded nothing bnt ice-cream ever since. "What's the matter there, Cora? don't your shoes fit ?" " No, papa, they don't fit me at all," said she. And then enumerated the. faults of the shoes in set terms, and reached the climax thus :—": — " Why, they don't even squeak when I walk out." A clergyman and one of his elderly parishioners were walking home from church one very frosty day, when the old gentleman slipped and fell on his back , Ihe minister, looking at him for a moment and being assured that he was not much hurt, said to him, " Friend, sinners stand on slippery places." The old gentleman looked up, as if to assure himself of the fact, and said, "I see they do, but I can't." A father was telling his son, not yefc seven years of age, of the fate of Pandora's box. He said that all the evils which afflicted mankind were slurb up in tliat box, "which the curiosity of Pandoi-a tempted her to open, when all flew -out over the earth. "That cannot be," said- the lad, "since curiosity tempted Pandora to open the box, which, being one of the greatest evils of itself, could not have been in it." A. chemical lecturer while expatiating on discoveries in chemical science, remarked that snow has been found to possess a considerable degree of heat. An Irishman present replied that truly "chymistry was a valuable science," and, anxious that the discovery might be made profitable, he inquired of the lecturer, " what number of snow-balls would be sufficient to boil a tea-kettle?" A Vermont woman, who was lately accused of eloping, writes thusly to one of the papers :— " The people of Wells Kiver are in a pretty small business if has go so one can't get some one to elope with." A man who bought % thousand Havana cigars recently, on being asked what he was carrying, replied that they were tickets to a course of lectures to be given >>y his wife. "I don't believe it's any use this vaccination," said a Yankee, "I had a child vaccinated, but he fell out of a winder, a week after, and got killed*" That was a very tender-hearted man who, J on being told that his wife, who had left the house only an hour before, was drowned, and that her body was found a mile or two below, said : " She must have floated down quite lively T" Among the competitors for the darning prize lately offered at the Georgia State Fair one lady presented a stocking so neatly mended that tlfe judges couldn't find the mark of a needle about the darned thing. "If you don't want the soot, don't you go up the chimney," was the reply of a New York editor to "respectable" parties who requested him not to mention the fact that they had been arraigned in the police courts. Still at it.— The soul of General Hood, C.S.A., is unsated with the carnage of war. He now sells pills in Georgia. — San Francisco " JTews Letter."