FACETIǼ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume VI, Issue 282, 26 June 1873, Page 7

FACETIǼ.

Vested interest. — Money in the waistcoat pocket. "Do you try to talk a little common sense !" exclaimed a sarcastic young lady to a visitor. — "Oh!" was the reply, "but wouldn't that be taking an unfair advantage of you ?" A schoolboy says it is better to pursue pleasure than to " catch it." What mechanic's tool does a cabman most frequently resemble? — A screw-driver. "I wish you would not give me such short weight for my niouey," said a customer to a grocer, who had an outstanding bill against him. " And I wish you wouldn't give me such long wait for mine," replied the grocer. Why is a candle-maker the worst and most Lopeleas of men ? — Because all his works are wicked, and all his wicked works are brought to light. A Maine man lately sued his son-in-law for horse feed, lunches, &c, furnished during the courtship of his daughter, and the sued man comes up with an off-set in the way of meals, &c, furnished the old gentleman ■srhile visiting his daughter since her marriage. Scientists tell us that a single drop of sea water contains about one ten-thousand-six-iiunrtreth part of a grain of lime. The question now comes, How much sea water would be required to furnish lime enough to whitea dead "wall or a newspaper editor. A San Francisco letter writer, in relation Wto earthqaakes, says :—": — " Heterogenous f paralaxes prismatically converging are not due to the siclicious introduction of photospherical asteroids, but rather to parabolic stratification of igenous zygma'* — of which there can be no doubt. The people of Rochester must lose a great many things or one of its citiztns has a very limited idea of the cos* of bread, butter, breeches, boots, &c. : he proposes gaining his livelihood by going out early of mornings and "finding" whatever has been lost the previous evening. A Connecticut editor, having got into controversy with a coatemporary, congratulates iimself that Me head was safe from a " donkey's heels." His contemporary astutely inferred from this that he was unable "to make both ends meet." That's it. — Mistress — " Why, Mary, what's that you've got on ?" Mary — " What is it ? A Dolly Varden, of course." Mistress—" You with a Dolly Yarden 1 Why I shouldn't think of wearing such a thing." Mary — " P'raps not, mim ;it ain't everybody they becomes.'' Whose Fault ? — An Irish beggar was imploring a dignified clergyman for charity, and using an enormous number of sacred objurgations. The clergyman looked him solemnly in the face — " No, I •will not give relief to one who appeals to me so indecorously, Taut I will give you what will be of more value to you in your present state of mmd — the advice not to take the name of God in vain." Irishman answers—" And is it in vain I've been taking it ! and whose fault is that, I should like to know?"—" Pall Mall ! Gazette." The following epitaph is to be found in a cemetery in the little village of Wyacluna, Winconsin, TJ.S.A. :—: — '■ Seventy years a maiden, one year a wife, Two months a mother and that took her life." According to current gossip, the fo^owing lines by a misguided member, were handed by Mr. Gladstone to Mr. Lowe, during the course of a tedious debate :—: — Here lie the bones of Robert Lowe ; Where he's gone to I don't know. If to the realms of peace and love, Farewell to happiness above ; If, haply, to some lower level, I can't congratulate the Devil. The "Danbury (Conn.) News" says : — A young lady in a neighboring town has taken up dentistry for a living. All the gentlemen patronise her. When she puts her arm round the neck of a patient and caresses his jaw for the offending member, the sensation is about as nice as they make 'em. One young man has become infuriated with her; consequently he hasn't a tooth in his head. She has pulled every blessed one of them, and made him two new sets and pulled them. She is now at work on his father's saw. He holds the saw.