FACETIǼ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume VI, Issue 279, 5 June 1873, Page 7

FACETIǼ.

It has beeu remarked by a celebrated Chief Justice that lawyer's houses are builfc on the heads of fools. Why is a man with his eyes shut like an illiterate schoolmaster ? Because he keeps his pupils in darkness. Billings says that slander is like a tin kettle tied to a dog's tail — very good fun so long as it isn't our dog. A maiden lady being asked -why she had never married, replied that she had never seen the man for whom she was willing to get up four meal 6 a day for forty years. The word "love" iv the Indian language ia ''schemlendamourtchwager." How nicely it would sound whispered in a lady's ear — " I schemlendamourtchvrager you." Picnics in Pennsylvania wind up with what is called the Dolly Varden march — the young ladies standing in a row and the young men passing along the line anil kissing each goodnight. " Every tree ia subject to disease," aaid a speaker at a farmer's meeting. " What aliment can you lind on the oak? faked the chairman. "Aoorn,"was the triumphant reply. Under the head of "How we assist the Devil," a religious paper says, "We consume millions of ga.'lons of distilled spirits yearly. '' The editorial "we" in this case niake3 an awkward confession. Why do the recriminations of married couples resemble the sound of waves on tho shore? Because they are murmurs of the tied. It was » prime joke of Cannings, who, when told by an eminent doctor that poverty •was a virtue, remarked that he had never known what making a virtue of necessity meant till then. The people of Boston are so polite. They call their Foundling Asylum a " Refuge for Anonymous Humanity." That's nothing to Chicago. They have a•' Kanche " for babies born on the European plan. A Philadelphiagirl, who married an old man forty years ago, expecting to be left n, rich widow soon afterwards, died recently, aged fifty-six, leaving her disconsolate husband, aged one-hundred, to mourn her loss. '* Professor," said a student hi pursnit of knowledge concerning the habits of animal' 3, "" why does a cat, while eating, turn her head first one way and then another ?" " For the reason," replied the Prof essor, ''that she cannot turn it both ways at once." The following brief colloquy occurred at an Irish railway-station :— Passenger : "Flow long will the next train be?" P^fter: " About six carriages, your honor, maybe, so far as I knows, and an engine, in coorse." A countryman in a town in America observed a gang of darkies laboring in the streets, each wearing a ball and chain. He askei one why that ball was chained to is leg. "To keep people from stealing it," said the darkey ; " heaps of thieves about here." While a rather affected young lady was confiding to her admirer how ethereal her appetite was, and the sensitive delicatenesa of her organisation, the too matter-of-fact whelp bawJed out, " Say ! will yer have yer biled pork and beans now, or wait till yer feller's gone?" Ihe " feller " has fceen gone ever since. A Virginian girl attempted to elope by meana of a pulley and rope attached to her window, bub the enraged parent appeared on the scene, hooked the young man Becurely, hoisted him in the air, gave Him a long and sound moral lecture, and then left him dangling under the window till morning. The late Father O'Leary, who was well known as a wit, had once a polemical contest with the Protestant Bishop of Colyne. The prelate, in & pamphlet, inveighed, with great acrimony against the superstitions of Popery, and particularly agains' the doctrine of purgatory. Father O'Leary, in reply, slyly observed, "That, as much as the bishop disliked purgatory, he might possibly go farther and fare worse." This ia how a paragraph in a Western paper records a suicide :: — '• He blew his head off. Bilious, poor, and dishearbened. The gun muzzle in his mouth, his toe on the trigger, and up goes his hair." " See Naples and did," says a venerable Italian proverb. "I saw it,'" says an American traveller — "I saw it and survived ; but it was a narrow squeak, for the stench of the darned hole nearly killed me." A copperhead snake tried its fangs -n a Mexican a few days ago. The snake is dead, but the Mexican still lives and enjoys his victuals. Mr. Dunup says it is more than likely that the Prodigal Son did not think of arising and going to his father until he had paid frequent visits to his uncle. " You seem to walk more erect than usual, my dear friend." " Yes ; i have been straightened by circumstances." In ban Francisco hangs the sign of a Chinese washer-maii, which reads thus :—: — " Washing and Lrunizg, by W<j Slung."