FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume 22, Issue 277, 22 May 1873, Page 7

FACETIAE.

Cause and effect. — A very respectable Presbyterian minister, who was in the constant habit of taking a glass of spirits before going to the pulpit, asked one of his children one day after dinner if she would take a dram. She said, "Na na, papa it would gar me preach." An Irish paper says, that trying to get up business without advertising is like winking at a prettyjgirl through gieen goggles — you may know what you are doing but nobody «lse does. The dearest object to a man should be liis wife, but it not unfrequently is her clothes. The Children's Kingdom. — Lap-land. " Killing " Time. — " Instant " execution. A "Trying" Situation. — A seat on the bench. Trials for the Human Understanding. — Long walks. Breach of Good Manners. — For ruin to stare you in the face. An enquirer is informed that we know of no female dates, althougn mandates are plenty. Elipking says that there are three sexes — the male sex, the female sex, and the insects. Maidenhood and Widowhood.— Two hoods constantly set for the inveiglement of mankind. Dangerous Acquaintances. — Those who *' take life " cheerfully. A Memphis (U.S.) paper says that the aeronaut of a circus exhibiting in that city evinces the agility of a cat and the fearlessness of a double-headed tiger. Another Definition of Love.— Josh Billings says, that "tricing tew define love is like tricing tew tell how yu kum tew brake the ice ; all yu kno about it is, yu fell ~ r in and got ' ducked." Recipe from an Exchange. — Just before going to bed, eat two pig's feet and a cold apple pie. In less than an hour you will see a snake larger than a hawser, devouring light blue-haired children -which have just from a monster with sorrel eyes and a redhot overcoat. In one of the suburban schools a schoolinspector gave out the word " psalter " to a class for spelling. It was a poser to all till it reached the foot of the class, when a curlyheaded little fellow spelt it correctly, but, being asked to define it, he shouted out, " More salt.' The Poet and his Wife. — It is understood that Mrs. Joaquin Miller is, during the present winter, to lecture on her husband, through the Eastern States of America. This is a very charitable and intelligent innovation on the established order of things. Most wives are contented with lecturing at or to their husbands. Mrs. Miller, we are glad to see, is more practical, and prefers making money out of the monster. Western stories are hard to beat ; for instance, read this one relating to the grief of a cow over her slaughtered calf : — The cow was frantic at the slaughter of her innocent, and, after chasing the butcher's waggon to the slaughterhouse door, and bellowing a good bye to her infant, she repaired to the Tiver, and, wading in beyond her depth, committed suicide by drowning," Henry Ward Beecher, referring to the Darwinian theory, recently said :—": — " Ido not participate a particle with those that dread the idea of man's having sprung from some lower form of existence ; all that I ask is that you will show me how I got clear from monkeys, and then I am quite satisfied to have had one for an ancestor fifty centuries ago. Only make th c difference great enough, and Lam content. I had just as soon spring from a monkey as f . om some men I know around here. I want to know where lam going ; I don't care where I came from." An Englishman and a German were travelling together in a diligence, and both smoking. The German did all in his power j to draw his companion into conversation, but to no purpose ; at one moment he would, , with a superabundance of politeness, apologise for drawing his attention to the fact that the' ash of his cigar had fallen on his waistcoat, or a spark was endangering his neckerchief. At length the Englishman exclaimed, " Why the dickens cau'i; you leave me alone ? Your coat-tail has been burning or the last ten minutes, but I didn't bother you about it." What agonies must that poet have endured urho, writing of his love, asserted in his manuscript that he " kissed her under the eilent stars," and found the compositor had .made him declare that he ** kicked her under .the cellar stairs,"