FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume VI, Issue 270, 3 April 1873, Page 8

F AC ETI AE.

Harmless pugilism — Striking attitudes. Popular diet among the Mormons—Sparerib. The greatest want of the age — Want of cash. When is a man not a man 7 When he is a little ho(a)rse. ' - If the burglars carry off your plate, why is it all right ? Because it's not left. If a toper and a gallon of whiskey were left together, which would be drunk first ? Strange Bedclothes — Three sheets in the wind. Why is a man's life safest in the last stages of dyspepsia ? Because he can't di-jest then . A' man ..most likely to make his mark in the world. — One who cannot write his own iiarae. _ A well-known physician, on being asked if iron would not be a good tonic for her, rep^ed that ironing would be a better. " I don't believe it's any use, this vaccination," said a Yankee, "I had a child vaccinated, but he fell out of a winder, a week after, and got killed." That was a very tender-hearted man who, on being told that his wife, who had left the house only an hour before, was drowned, and that her body was found a mile or so below, said : " She must have floated down quite lively ! " "Now, John, suppose there's a load of hay on one side of the river, and a jackass on the other, and no bridge, and the river's too wide to swim, how can the jackass get to the hay?" "I give it up." "Well, that's just what the other jackass did." Among the competitors for the darning prize lately offered in the Georgia State Fair ■one lady presented a stocking so neatly mended that the judges couldn'tflndthe mark of a needle about the darned thing. " If you don't want the soot, dont you go tip the chimney," was the reply of a New York editor to "respectable" parties who requested him not to mention the fact that they had been arraigned in the police courts. Anti-smoking philantrophist : "My dear misguided youth, why do you smoke that nasty, dirty clay pipe? " Misguided youth : " Well, old gen'lman,^ in answer to your hinterestin' conundrum, I smokes this 'ere dirty clay pipe cos IVe left my meerschaum at 'ome." The following notice was posted in the lobby of a Presbyterian church on Sunday last: — "Notice — The person who stole 'Songs of the Sanctuary' from seat No. 32, should improve the opportunity of singing them here, as he will have no occasion to - sing them hereafter." Jgf^ During a late conference at Worcester, the ■ following conversation was overheard between two newsboys :—": — " I say, Jem, what's the meaning of so many ministers being here all together?" "Why," answered Jim, scornfully, "don't you know they always meet once a-year to swop sermons." Master (who finds his apprentice reading a *' penny awful") : "Your Sunday schoolmaster said you were a steady, moral boy, and I find you in wor^ptime reading that pernicious trash— eh, sir!" — Boy; "Please, sir, I was only reading on in 'opes of the 'ero dying conwerted." A Catholic gentleman who was on the point of being married, obtained from his confessor his certificate of confession. Having read it, he observed that the priest had omitted the usual penance." " Did you not tell me," said the sarcastic confessor, " that you were going to be married ?"- '* Ib my face dirty ? " asked a young lady from the backwoods, on a steamboat running I from Cairo to New Orleans. " Dirty ! No. ] Why do you ask ? " " Because that insulting waiter insists on putting a towel beside my plate. I've thrown three under the table, ; and every time he comes round he puts another before me." A young lady who has just returned from Europe, advises her friends not to go there " unless you are sure that you know enough to appreciate the beauties of Europe. It lends such a charm to Italy to remember that among these groves of olive the immortal Beethoven sculptured the Medicean Venus and Shakespeare composed the sublime poem i of 'Paradise Lost.'"— " Philadelphia Led- I £ er -" \ A German pedlar sold a man a liquid for the extermination of bugs. " And how do you use it? " inquired the man after he had bought it. M Ketch, te bug, unt drop von little drop into his mout," answered the pedlar. " The deuceyou say V exclaimed the purchaser ; " I could kill it in half the time by stanmping on it." " Veil," calmly ex- I claimed the German, " dat is a good way, too, to kill him." Charles Lamb gives some advice about making speeches which might be applied with advantage to other occasions. He says a speaker should not attempt too much, but ' should leave something to the imagination of - ids audience ; and he tells how, being called on to return thanks for a toast to his health, he roee, bowed to his audience, said, " Gentlemen," and then sat down, leaving it to their imagination to supply the rest. ~ A very old man once went into the witnessbox in an Ohio court. He was asked a common question — "What is your age?" " Twenty-two." You probably mistake the question. The years of your Hf e : I wish to know the number of them ? " " Twentytwo." "** Have yon spent all your life in Ohio?'" "Oh, no. ■ I did live forty years oa the a»ster .aho' of Maryland, but I hope the Xioti. ain't «ouated them against me !