FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume VI, Issue 269, 27 March 1873, Page 9

F AC ET I AE.

The youth who would have a^ vail of his own has been struck out thai of 3iis father. "Jpdekiah, didn't 3*ou Pud courtship bliss?'" "Yes, indeed." said' Jed, "but I found matrimony blister." Undue interference. — A sefcool teacher has been dismissed for kissing the big girls. The girls say that the School Boar i lias no j right to interfere with their studies in that way. An American editor says his ancestors have been in the habit of living a hundred years. His opponent lesponds by saying that that "must have been before the introduction of capital punishment." Chicago is once more playing at the game of brag. This tiifie it is about a wonderful dog that unties horses which he finds tied to posts along the streets, then jumps into the waggon and takes a ride. Here is a gem, alleged to have been found in the letter of a young lover: — "Dearest love, I have swallowed the postage stamp "which was on your letter, because I knew that your lips had touched it." In Chicago' it is proposed to abolish the lighthouse at the mouth of Chicago River as an unncessary expense, ' ' the sense of smell of the pilots being all that is requisite to enable them to make the harbor." A Scotchman visiting the Welsh Harp at Hendon accounts for the rather primitive abode (a large barrel) Mr Warner's bear inhabits by suggesting that a "brewin"' generally finds its way to the cask. [The joke is worthy of a Scot.] * Considering the universal interest in the noble horse just now", and the interference with theatrical business in consequence of the epizootic impediment to travel, would it not be well for some enterprising manager to revive and reproduce " The Bronze Horse ?" Surely that would draw. We are given to understand that the malicious managers of the Georgia State Fair offer a premium for the ugliest editor. Now, if those insane managers had offered a prize for the handsomest editor, then competiton would be lively, and the success of the fair assured. As it is, there are no candidates. 1 here is a man in Glen's Fall, New York, who won't believe any stories about the sagacity of dogs. He says that dogs have not common sense. In proof of his assertion he relates how he poured, kerosene on a dog, and set it on fire, just to have a little fun, and' that dog actually ran under the barn belonging to him. and lay there and set the barn on fire, though the man whistled to* him to come out ! An American editor relates how a negro barber made a dead hand of him : — While on board a steamer the fuz. grew rather longer than was agreeable, and we repaired to the barber-shop to have it taken off. The fellow did it up in first-rate style, and we pulled out a dime and proffered it to him as a reward for his services. He drew himself up with considerable pomposity. "I understand," said he, " dat you is an editor?" " Well, what of it ?" said we. "We neber charge editors nothing." "But, my woolly friend," we continued, " there are a good many editors travelling now-a-days, and such liberality on your part will prove a ruinous business " *O neber mind," remarked the barber, "we make it up of the gemmen." How she did it. — I will tell you a rather bare-faced story of how a chamber-maid is said to have got twelve commercial travellcs into eleven bed -rooms, and yet to have given each a separate bed-room. Here we Save eleven rooms : — 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. 11. "Now," says she, "if you two gentlemen will step into No. I bed-room, and wait there for a few minutes, I'll find a spare room for one of you- as soon as I have shown the others to their rooms." Well, now, having thus bestowed too gentlemen in No. 1, she puts the third in. No 2, the fourth in No. 3, the fifth in No 4, the sixth to No. 5. the seventh to No. 6, the eighth to No 7, the ninth to Xo. 8, the tenth to- No. 9, ihe eleventh to No. 10. She then came back to to No. J , where you remember she left the twelfth gentleman -along with the first, and said : "I have now accommodated all the rest and have still a room to spare, so that if ypu Step into No. 11 j r ou will find it empty." Qt couree there is a hole in the saucepan,, somewhere, but I leave the reader to determinine exactly where the fallacy is. (