FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume V, Issue 253, 5 December 1872, Page 9

FACETIAE.

Another reason why woman should vote. Her voice can be heard two miles up in the air, while a man's can be heard only one. A modest editor, to whom was sent a song entitled " What shall my love wear?" wrote a kind but decisive article advising her to wear clothes.

" What is that, children?" asked a young j>astor, exliibiting to his Sunday school a "~ raSagic lantern pic cure of a poor sinner clinging to the cross towering out of stormy waves in mid ocean. ''Robinson Crusoe !" was the instant reply. " How is it, my dear, that you have never fejUkindled a flame in the bosom of a man ?" said ■PSm old lady to her p.etty niece, who was por p tionless. ''The reason, aunt," replied the young lady, "is, as you well know, that I am not a good match !" A gallant school-boy's toast : The girls ! May they add charity to beauty, subtract envy from friendship, multiply genial affections, divide tune by industry and recreation, reduce scandal to its lowest denomination, and raise virtue to its highest power !" Mrs Keeley, a SchuylkHlcountylady, swept out her room, and, while sweeping, found a box of powder. As she didn't want the dirty black stuff, she threw it into the fire. Mrs Neeley was picked up in fragments, and Mr JJeeley requires a new roof on his house. '* Potatoes !" cried a darky pedlar in Rich xnond. " Hush dat racket — you distracts de whole neighbourhood," came from a coloured woman in a doorway. "You kin hear me, kin you ?" " Hear you I kin hear you a mile." •'Tank God for dat — I's hollowin' tobe heard. Tatoes !" "Kow, you see," said a Texan, "land was cheap enough at one time in Texas. I have seen the day when J could have bought a square league of land, covered with tine grass and timber for a pair of boots. " ' ' and why didn t you buy it ? ' asked his companion. " Didn't have the boots." Some ingenious Yank has invented a process by which maple sugar can be made out of common New Orleans molasses, flavouring it by steaming maple wood. The ne\t thing we are looking for from that land of prolidc ideas is a process whereby they will make honey from cod liver oil, flavouring it with beeswax. James Magill, a Brooklyn, contractor, claims to be an "artist in marble." It is related of him that he once carved a sleeping lion in stone and took it to the Queen's county fair for a premium. The day for distributing the honours arrived, Mac waa promptly on hand. Prize after prize was awarded, and finally "Statuary" was reached. The artist's eyes lit up with the glow of expectation as he leaned anxiously forward to hear these words, "James Magill — first premium for a beautiful sleeping bull pup in marble.". -A Connecticut lady, who couldn't persuade her husband to get a patent clothes' dryer, took the pole away from her old-fashioned line, and, crouching down by the fence, screamed " Murder !" In an instant her startled lord came flying out of the house, was caught across the throat by the clothes'- ' an^» b e f° re h e could recover himself, nearly sawed his head off. The next morning asombre-looking, personwithhisneck all bandaged up, was seen putting up a patent clothes-dryer in the same identical yard. The American President's livery, as may be daily seen on the persons on the jet-black negroes who figure cf the,) front seat of his equipage at Long Branch, consists of snowwhite flannel, braided with broad, shining, silver lace, which, every one will perceive, makes a most striking contrast. Some people object to the President of a Republic State •dbpting livery at all, as it distinctly indicates a distinction or caste, and is a badge Against the wearer of relative inferiority ; this, however, would seem to be mere fastidious hypercriticism. The following is a verbatim copy of a sign formerly to be seen on a shoemaker's shop in the village of Heallan, near Denbig, Wales. The schoolmaster would seem to have been rather at fault when the sign was composed :—": — " Pryce"ftyas, Cobler, daJerin Bacco {Shag and Pig tail, Bacon and Ginarbread Eggs laid every morning by me, and very good Paradise, in the Summer, Gentleman and Lady can have very good Tae and Crumquet and Strawburry with scim milk, because L can't get no cream. — N.B. Shuse and Boots laended very well." A suit came off the other day, in which a printer namtd. Kelvey was a witness. The case "was anassault and battery that came off between two men named Brown and Henderson. "Mr Kelvey, did you witness the affair referred to?," "Yes, Bir!" "Well, ■what have you to say about it?" "That it •wai the best piece of punctuation I have sem for some time !" " What do you mean by that ? ' '• Why, that Brown dotted one of Henderson's eyes, for which Henderson put aperiod on Brown's breathing for about half a minute." The Court comprehended the satter at onceaud fined the defendent twenty (Qllara. , Doun Piatt tells the following touching \ lory "of how a life was saved: "A Sun''ay school superintendent out in Alaska reated his entire charge to a Bleieh ride, pare were just forty-one of the cherubs and a r-horae sleigh. On the way home they beset t a pack of fero> i>m wolves. Cool and colleoa in that hour of fearful trial.the heroic sujirntendent saw at a glance (hat he must bn be overtaken. In an instant his quick bpd grasped the only chance of escape, lizing the child that always sang, * I knt to be an angel' two notes too high, he log it to the rapacious horde. It stayed bir onward rush for a moment. Next came b urchin who sever brought any pennies for i heathen. - And so on swept the pursued I tht pursuers, until the last infant was«x- . triad. ' Bat the brave fellow had eoonom-

MP mimal noblr. B> vw wed."