FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume V, Issue 251, 21 November 1872, Page 9

FACETIÆ.

Why are handcuffs like guide-books? -—Because they are made for two-wrists. A naturalist has taken the ground that a lobster is a posthumous work, inasmuch as it is never red till after death. "Do you think that raw oysters are healthy V asked a lady of her physican. "Yes." he replied, "I never knew one to complain, of being out of health in my life." A lady had a custom of saying to a favourite little dog, to make him follow her, "come along, sir," A would-be wit stepped .up to her one day, and accosted her with, "Is it me, madam, yon called V "Oh, no, sir," said the lady, "it was another puppy I spoke to." A lady thought it would look interesting to faint away at a party, when one of the company began bathing her temples and Head with vinegar, upon which she suddenly started up, and exclaimed, "For Heaven's sake, put nothing on that will change the colour of my hair !" Two Hibernians were passing a stable •which had a rooster on it for a weathervane, when one addressed the other thus, "Pat what's the rason they didn't put a hin up there instead of a rooster V 3V 3 "An ' sure," replied Pat, "that asy enough ; don't ye see it vrould be unconvanient to go for the eggs?" Dr. Dosey was ill, and his friend, the Rev. Peter Quick, applied to the patron for the next presentation ; but the doctor recovered, and upbraided the Rev. Peter for such a breach of friendship, saying, "You looked for my death" "No, no, . doctor," said Peter, "you quite mistake ; it was your living I looked for." A Lancashire lass announces, through the advertising columns of the local paper, that she " takes this method of informing a certain young man, that the next time he desires to gaze upon her forty-five mortal minutes without winking his eyes, that she will consider herself highly favoured if he will close his mouth, and not sit there like a young robin awaiting the __ parent bird."

We read of a most determined and res- . ohite thief in Middlefield, Conn. Pie removed the corner-stone of a church and stole a few coins which had been deposited there for the eyes of far distant generations, thus accomplishing the entirely novel feat of stealing from posterity. An indignant religious newspaper compares this to " the theft of acorus from a blind hog," which strikes us as a fresh and satisfactory simile. A singular story is telegraphed from India by the " Times" Calcutta correspondent. It is to the effect that a bank note forger who had been apprehended, having promised to show where the forged notes "were hidden, was sent with an ac^complice, to whom he was handcuffed, to a certain "holy" place, and that when there tlie two prisoners leaped into a tank of water, and were drowneJ. It was at first supposed that" they had escaped, hah it is said that tlieir dead bodies have since been recovered.

Somebody wrote to the editor of a. paper to ask how he would break an ox. The editor leplied as follows i^—li only one ox, a good way would be to hoist him, by means of a long chain attached to his tail, to the top of a pole forty feet from the ground. Then hoist him by a rope tied to his hprns to another pole. Then lower on to his back a five-ton pile-driver ; and if that fails to break him, let him start a newspaper, and trust people for subscriptions and advertisements. One of the ,two ways will do it."

The othsr day two Highland drovers . arrived at Leith in the boat, and when travelling up to Edinburgh were overtaken by one of the new steam omnibuses out on trial. As the two drovers had never before seen, carriages impelled by any other power than horse, they stood lost in wonderment fora time as the engine puffed smoothly past. ' ' Bless me, Donald <lid you ever see the likes o' that pefore ? Tiers is ta coach_run awa' frae ,ta hprse ! . Run, run, Donald, flfc<& a goocT lad, an' ficht him back again," ■ ■ During a recent railway journey a passenger entered into a political discussion with a man sitting opposite him. The dispute became very animated, and when it was at its height a collision took place on the line. One opponent was thrown from his seat by the shock, and his head struck the others right between the eyes. It beipg dark, the poor man thought that his antagonist had lost his temper, and etrnck at Mm,, and he bawled out, "Cum, '■cum I let's hey neay sfcrikin' 1 We can talk jwiho^t hdttin' van anudder !"