FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume V, Issue 249, 7 November 1872, Page 9

FACETIAE.

A seecly and unhappy looking man entering a revival meeting in Mississippi, took a seat near the pulpit. The clergyman noticing his forlorn appearance, stepped up to him and asked if he was a Christian. i; No, ;) said he " I'm editor of a village paper ! " " You can't do too much for your employer, man," said somebody to a bigfisted, strong-backed man-of-all-work on a wharf. "Arrah" replied Pat, with great emphasis, "Neither will I." Will your puppy bite I "drawled a languid young " exquisite " to the owner of a beautiful little Scotch terrier. " Yes — but he isn't a cannibal," was the satisreply. ' A member of the AVydming Legislature, seeking to sustain a point of order, jerked Ids coat off with, "Mr Speaker, if some reliable man will hold these duds, 1,11 show him that he is out of order." The point was sustained.

A chaplain was once preaching to a class of collegians about the formation of

habits. "Gentlemen," said he, "close your ears against bad discourses." The students immediately clapped their hands to their ears.

A young man at a social party was vehemently urged to sing a song. He replied that he would first tell a story, and then, if they still persisted in their demand, he would endeavour to execute a song. When a boy; he. said, he took lessons in singing ; and one Sunday morning he went up into his father's garret to practice "alone by himself. While in full «ry, he was suddenly sent for by the old „^gentleman: "This is pretty conduct," - said the father — "pretty employment for the son of pious parents, to be sawvng ' boards in a garret on a Sunday morning, loud enough to be heard by all the neighbours . Do sit down and take your book." The yonng man was excused from singing. The following graphic description of a 1 1 Dolly Varden" will interest lady read\ers :— r'Uhe'starboard sleeve bore a yellow 'Vhopvine. in ' full leaf on a red ground; with numbers of grey birds, badly mutilated by "the seams, flying hither and thither in wild dismay at the approach of a green, and black hunter, An Infant class was depicted on the back, the mak-

ing up of the garment scattering truant scholars up and down the sides and on the skirt ; while a country poultry fair and a group of hounds hunting, badly demoralised by the gathers, gave the front a remarkable appearance. The left sleeve had on it the alphabet in five different languages."

Sheridan once. succeeded admirably in entrapping a noisy member, who was in the habit of interrupting every speaker with cries of "Hear, hear." Eichard Brinsley took an " opportunity to allude to a well-kriowji political character of the time, who he represeuted,,, as a person who wished to plqrp -the^f«ool.. " JVhere," exclaimed Sheridany ..iti continuation, and with great .oaiplwAia-T*" where shall we find a more fejoiish-lniave,Qr.a.mpre knaveish fool than -t^ V " Hear, . hear !' ' was instantly ;ljeliajy«d -fr.©ra..th'e. accustomed bench. '.The^ppked.wit bowed^ thanked the gentlemaiv-fbi?- '" his ready reply to the question,*!^- arid sat down amid, convulsions of laugliter from all but their, unfortunate subject, .;