FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume V, Issue 247, 24 October 1872, Page 9

FA CE TI AE .

The last thing out — The truth. Miss-construction — .Whalebone, wadding, powder and paint. When some selfish- men think of niarthey seem to see the Union before j^ There is a comic artist retained on Judy's staff who can take off his own boots | admirably. Geneva, watches are very popular in America just at present ; they wind up reverse to the English. How do yon account for this ? The compass has four po'nts, and yet a pair of compasses has only two. The hair on a camel weighs about 101 b and sells for more than a lOOdols, which shows that it was not only in the days of Mahommed that the animal bore a great prophet. "Insults," says a modern philosopher, "are like counterfeit money ; we cannot hinder their being offered, but we*are not compelled to take thenr." Tom (meeting Bob at ten o'clock in the morning) : "I say, Bob, is it too early for a drink V Bob : "Yes, my boy, far too early ; besides, I've jnst had a drink." A man out West undertook to play with a lion in a menagerie the other day. He aays he finds it mighty hard to write with his left hand, bnt that he misses his eye more than anything else. His nose was. always a trouble to him. At a yunng ladies' debating club the following question was lately discussed . "which gives a girl most pleasure — to hear herself praised or to hear another girl run down?" No decision was arrived at.

A correspondent inquired of H.G. if guano was good to put on potatoes. He said it might do for those whose tastes had become vitiated with tobacco and rum, but he preferred butter and gravy. A Philadelphia paper comments on the weather thusly :—": — " The showers of the last three days will cause every stalk of corn to carry ears like a jackass, while every water-melon will fancy itself a lagerbeer keg dressed in Paris green." An advertisement in the Al lento wn (Pa ) "Herald" reads: "If the middleaged party who spoke to a young lady at Centre square in a blue bonnet will call upon her brother he will find something that will meet his eyes. Address Pugilisticus, box 1,001."

There iz (says Josh Billings) menny a

, person who can set a mousetrap tew peri feckshon, but not satisfied with such game undertake tew trap for bears, lfsuidgit v lsetched by the bears. Morral, { Studdy'your genious. and stick tew mice. *v Col . Gr. was very fat, and, being a ' bankrupt, was met by one of his creditors with a "How do you do, colonel ?" " Pretty well ! You see I hold my own yet." " Yes," said the other, "and mine, too, bo my sorrow." That .wag- a sly old Scotchman, who, on marrying a very "young wife, was rallied by his friends on the inequality of their a«es, "' She will be near me " he replied, "to close my een." " Weel," remarked another of the party, "I've had twa wives, and they opened my een !" A church music committee lately advertised for an organist and music teacber, and, among others, received the following reply :—": — " Gentlemen, I noticed your advertisement for an organist and inujic teacher, either lady or gentleman : having been both for several years I offer you my services." An old gentleman, travelling on a Western railroad, had two ladies, sisters, as companions. The younger, an invalid, soon fell asleep, and the old gentleman expressed his regret to see so charming a young lady in ill health. "Ah, yes, indeed," sighed the elder sister, " a disease of the heart." " Dear me," was the sympathetic responce, "at her age ! Ossification, perhaps? "Oh, yes, sir— an ossifer — a lieutenant." A CralaSbAels farmer, who lives half-way between Selkirk and Galashiels, found it more convenient to attend church in Selkirk than his parish church, and absented himself from the latter for a considerable time. - Having returned, however, the minister accosted him with the observation, "Well, John, you have come back to vs — a better sermon here, I suppose ?" " Oh," replied John, "as for the sermon, there's no sac muckle difference ; but I get a better mug o' ale at Galashiels." From Surprise Valley comes the following story of an old fellow who got very jealous because his young wife went to a ball with a gqp4-looking fellow and stayed out till broad daylight. The old chap went to a Justice, of Peace and told his story, winding up with, "I want yer ,4b lielp me, for that ar thing has been going on about long enough." " Well," said the Justice, " You can write down to Yreka, and 'see if some of the lawyers can't get you a divorce." "Divorce J" roared the angry mau^, "who the deuce wants a divorce?" The Justice began to get •wrathy. "If yon don't want a divorce what the dence brought you here?" " Why I want an injunction to stop further profeedings/ 1