FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume V, Issue 246, 17 October 1872, Page 9

FACETIAE.

Douglas Jerrold- one day met a Scotch gentleman whose name was Leitch, and who explained that he was not the popular caricaturist, John Leech. "1 am aware of that," replied the wit ; "you are the Scotch Leitch, with the i-t-c-h."

Wild fowl are said to be so numerous in lowa that thousands of them are killed by railroad trains running among them ; and not to be outdone, Norfolk, Va, boasts of an eagle with a bell on its neck hovering over the town.

An auctioneer, at a sale of antiquities, put up a helmet, with the following candid observation .—". — " This, ladies and gentlemen, is ahelmetof Hoinulus, the Roman Fourder ; but whether he was a brass or .Iron founder, I cannot tell.

Sines Horace Grea'ey'snominati >r, everybody seems to be trying to see how crooked and unintelligible he can write, in imita--fcion of 'that nominee.

Tom (meeting Bob at ten o'clock in the moi'ning) : "I say, Bob, is it too early for a drink]" Bob: "Tfes, my boy, far too early : besides, I've just had a drink."

"G. is so -very close," was observed t>y 8., "he will squabble about a single farthing."—"Well," remarked W., "1 have always thought that the less one squabbles about the better."

"Remember who you are talking to, sir '" said an indignant parent to a facstiou«£*§oy ; "I am your father, sir ;" — "Well, who's toblameforthat ?"saidyoum impertinence, "'tisn't rce." Catty said he would rather die m a railroad & mash-up than a steamboat bubt-up, for this reason : If you gets off and smashed •up, dar you is ! but if you gets blowad up on de boat, whar is you ?"

A correspondent wants to know " which is the oldest woman's club V We have no authentic record of anything older than the broomstick, which has been ia use as a weapon of offence ever since the world began.

"See Naples and die," says the proud old Italian proverb. " I didn't quite die," commented a profane American, '• but I did very nearly. The smell was awful."

"Give me a chew of tobacco," said one man to another. "Will you have that which I just bought, or that which I know to be good ?" — "That which you know to lie good, oi course." The man took the qxiid from hia mouth, and handed it to his friend, saying, "There, I know that's good, for I have been trying it for the last hour."

Slightly sarcatic was the Yankee clergyman who paused, and addressed a man coming into church after the sermon had begun with theremark, "Glad fco see you, sir ; come in. Always glad to see those here late who can't come early-" But rte<cidedly self-possessed was the man thus ad-z-dressed in the presence of an astonished congregation, as he responded, "Thank , you ; would you favour me with the text?" "Were you ever baptised ¥ ' inquired an -earnest minister of a green candidate.

"No— nno,o — o, sir! never only once't and then I fell in !" " -

Doctor Johnson once said of Scotch learning that it was "like bread in a besieged town ; every man got a little, but no otic got a full meal."

Paterfamilias recently came upon a scientific treatise on" The Velocity of Light ;" he says he can understand now how it is that his ga«s bill runs up so rapidly. 1 A gushing poet asks in the first line of

a recent effusion " How many weary pilgrims lie I" We give it up, but experience ' has taught us that there are a good many. "Mamma," said a precocious little boy, . who, against his will, was made .to rock the "cradle of "his baby brother, "if the Lord has any more babies to give away don't yon take 'em.**

* Public DehiaAat,,