FACETIÆ

Tuapeka Times, Volume V, Issue 244, 3 October 1872, Page 9

FACETIÆ

:vAn Omaha wpaper advises the people "not to make such a fuss about the shoot- • ing of a constable,' as. there, are forty ;- ■ candidates for the-office." : .'.-.. iThe' Morristown' ■ ' c Herald" is' in receipt of a perfumed note asking, . ' 'Why does Mr, 'ByroUjWjho used.to write such nice, sweet poetry, keep so quiet of. late ?,"[> Green apples .and other unripe fruit willsoon appear on tlie street stands, and, as a natural 1 consequence, obituary notices beginning -"'Weh'ad'a-little' tTohnny once," ' will become more plentiful.- < '■ A modest young lady^at table^ desiring th\e" leg of a chicken,' said, " I'll take the part which ought to be dressed in drawers. ' A young gentleman opposite replied) " I'll take the part which ought' to weac the bustle. " The young lady fainted. , ; 'A contemporary has the following, on the' marriage of a ' dear , friend : — "He stepped upon the hymeneal platform, adg'usted;the fatal- noose,-' and : was swung off into that unsilent bourne whence he can never return save. by. the. 'decease of Mrs. M'Clum/' . .. f al - ' ; , n|^lady. ha<£ a favorite lap-dog, which 1 she called' Perchance/ _'•" A singular name," said somebody, "for a beautiful pet, -madam.v. Where, did you find it 1 " Oh,'? drawled she, , w.as, named from Byron's dbg^ ' You remember where he says, ',Perf chance, my dog will howl. " , , ,] . The question, "Does'getting drunk' ever advance one's happiness?*" would seem td be put to rest by the Irishman who went courting when drunk, and was asked what pleasure he 'found in .whisky. '• { Oh, Biddyj it's a trate intirely tp.see two of your purty faces, instead of one !" , A young man, at a wedding in Bedford, •New Haven, -recently, while promenading Jwith' a' 'lady,' chanced 'to' appTd^ch^' the •officiating clergyman', who," 'happening *to be j&4af,i and supposing them- to 1 be the ,cpupje;he ha,d come.to unifcej immediately ' married ■ them,' in spite of their remon- ' stfahde." They accepted the situation, and .commenced housekeeping. ' \ ,<■ JU TBe,mails'haying for a week failed' to 33om#'to <tune ; ''in an- Arkansas 'town, thej -local-paper says it tiaß been'fdrcedto di-iiw. 'heavily en the; almanacs -for copy, and if (Jommunicati^n vf ith the'^uter world should t be -still iongerjeut off^'-we .w|^be f obliged next weektqxnake extracts from the Bijblej thus supplying' some of our readers^ at last! -iwithaoatteeemttwly *ew 'to 'ttiem.fr.- ' I j ni tbkto Jo»e%"j jflaid?< al clergyman, imt'a' jPg^tpral -visit,-, \i (don't see^y&Ujand-iMrs 1 * o ones '&t } church ...on Sunday evenings;" "Well," no^* replied Mr Jones; "jary, "^vnle has stay afTiome to .tak^ oare of th?ihlMten,' and'as itcbmds rather hard! on her, I stay, .towieepi: her company,"! haw is tha,fc ; don^t youjceep anyj 'servants?** Vf Oh, yes, we keep two ; bdtj they'-dori't-sdib^HiS \ny -privilege's/" i A good girrju&i; seventeen' presented the! following definition of the word "carrion" to her e*Sifflßßff^o¥jbfe Mrs of Arts:— J ," Some.air.ls that L know, of often carrioni *& mSb. WM^Mm^ 0 &*s&} but she was" puzz|ecLJ;p answer the follow-! ing query :— "_Whic£. gives a girl mostj pleasure—^to heir Iheraelf praised, or tot hear anoih^rjgirL,run dpjWnJ-l-^io decision) ,was Mria^ at. , , „r „ X . ATO ? j A gentleman in Alexandria,, Ya. caught; his youtfgteghWTOm'g^th' his color^ ed .qoachman, whereTppn Jie.OEderedV.the & f^lo%^6gc^^nce-SiirlcleaYoupEe^ble vault. This being d6%e"tHe'brd'|feni;leniani i#hut^^^MaMr^«%-jeoHple'itta^ix--by-nmei room, bleated by a furnace, .and kept them <ihere'n^bil the stench jointly 'produced by» Ih^'pergpn of ( the "perspiring darkey and the filth upon ijis'cjbthes had such an effect unonitJle.girbftJiHt«l}e"faiatedr The cure was complete.