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Tuapeka Times, Volume V, Issue 243, 26 September 1872, Page 9

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An Irish judge said, when addressing a prisoner, *' You shall be hanged, aud I nope it -will be a warning to you." A crusty old bachelor says that Adam's wife was called Eve, because, when she appeared, man's day of happiness was drawing to a close. A musical author being asked if he had composed anything lately, replied, "My last work was a composition with my creditors." A gentleman took a lady out for a drive the other day, and came home with a false curl attached to the button on the side of his cap. He wondered how it could have got there. A widow who was weeping over the new-made grave of her husband, finally dried her eyes, and said, " There's one comfort in it. anyhow ; I shall know where he is at night." A Yankee paper says that an inventive genius in Minnesota has just " got up a stove which saves three-fourths of the wood, while the ashes make it pay for the remainder." " A yard of flannel " may often be seen swallowed in American hotels. It is not a fabricated article, but like "black stripe " is a much favored Yankee alcoholic infusion.

v "Johnny," said one of the boys to a Mpereaved friend who had just lost his "yer behaved well at the " Oh, pshaw ! " replied Jwinny, -with the air of one whose merits are only half recognised ; "you should have seen me at the grave ! " The late Lord Justice-Clerk Hope was down shooting in Ayrshire, and happened to trespass on the field of a very plain-spoken farmer ; he was walking among the honest man's turnips, whereupon the farmer called upon him to turn out of that, as he had no right to be there. " Right here ! " said the JusticeClerk. "Do you kuow, sir, who lam V — "No," "was the reply, "and what's more,' I don't care." " I am, sir," said the judge, "the Lord Justice-Clerk." — " Ye may be anybody's clerk ye like," was the retort, "but ye must not geh among my neeps ! " " Look here, squire, where was yeou born?" said a persistent Yankee to a five-minute's acquaintance. "I was born," said the victim, "in Boston, Tremont-street, No. 44, left-hand side, on the first day of August, 38 JO, at five o'clock in the afternoon ; physician, Dr. Warren ; nurse, Sally Benjamin." Yankee was answered completely. For a moment he was stuck. Soon, however, his face brightened, and he quickly said, " Yaes; wa'al, I calculate you don't recollect wiiether it was a frame or brick house, dew ye ? " An impertinent young fellow offered to

bet the mistress of a ladies' school, who

. waa boasting of the proficiency of her * pupils, that not a single one of them would "decline" the noun husband. John Randolph a celebrated wit, was once on a race-course solicited to bet by a stranger, -who said, " Smith, here, will hold the stakes." "Just so," replied Randolph, " but who will hold Smith . ? " A northern English rector used to think it polite not to begin service before the arrival of the squire. A little while ago he forgot his manners and began — " When the wicked man " •' Stop sir," cried the clerk, " he ain't come yet." A couple of chaps, evidently from the rural districts, came into the telegraph

office recently for the purpose of sending

a despatch. The message was taken by — ythe operator, and the pair proceeded down stairs: They had just reached the side walk when the gong at the " Snell House" •was sounding for tea. Whereupon one of the pair went into the air several feet, exclaiming, " By Jerusalem ! there it goes Jim !" An Ohio paper publishes the following among " other obituary notices " :—": — " Mr William Jones, of Malta township, aged 83, passed peacefully away on Tuesday last, from single blessedness to matrimonial bliss, after a short but sudden attack by Alice , Blossom; a blooming young widow of 34."