FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume V, Issue 241, 12 September 1872, Page 9

FACETIÆ.

Recently a doctor, on calling upon a gentleman who had been some time ailing, instead of drinking a glass of water, accidentally took a draught from a tumbler containing the medicine which he had prepared for the sick man; he was not made sensible of his error till he found himself getting ill, and his patient getting better. Tradition insists that corsets were first invented by a brutal butcher of the thirteenth, century, as a punishment for his wife. She was very loquacious, and finding nothing would cure her, he put a pair of stays on her in order to take away her breath, and so prevent her from talking. The punishment became so universal at last that the ladies, in their self defence, made a fashion of it, and so it has continued to the present day. Reynolds, observing to Martin the thinness of the hoiise at one of his own plays, said"Hesupposed itwas owing to the war." "No," replied the latter, "it is owing to the piece." "Sally," said a young man to a damsel, who had red hair, "keep away from me or you will set me a-fire." "No danger of that," was the answer, you are too green to burn." Acting manager: " Where, in the name of wonder, is the audience?" Scene shifter. "He's just gone out, sir, to liqxior; but he'll be back immediately, as he says he likes the play." Brown: "Well, I always make it a rule to tell my wife everything that happens." —Smith: "Oh, my dear fellow, that's nothing! I tell my wife lots of things thai , never happened at all." j "Wife! why,inthenameof goodness,did you not make the washerwoman put starch in my shirt collar?" "Why, my dear, I thought it a useless waste of the article, for I can get your choler up so easily without it." M. Prudhomme, in the decline of life, was talking with his nephew, to whom he stories of his youth. "But, uncle," exclaimed the young man, f what struck you most during your life?" " My dear boy, it was your aunt !" An affectionate husband once said, *' Ah, dear doctor, how is my wife today ?" The doctor shook his head and replied, "You must prepare for the worst," "What," said the husband, "do you think she is likely to get over it?" A great man is amiable in his conversation, generous in his temper, and immovable in what he has maturely resolved upon ; and as prosperity does not make him haughty and imperious, so neither does adversity Bink him into meanness and dejection ; for if ever he shows more spirit than ordinary it is when he is illused, and the world is frowning upon him. In short, he is equally removed from the extremes of servility and pride, and scorns either to trample on a worm or cringe to an emperor. A bright little boy, about four years of age, was at . a gentleman's houße one evening recently with his parents. The gentleman gave him a couple of new sixpences. He laid them on the table, and, putting his finger on one, said : " This one I am going to give to the heathen, and the other I am going to keep myself." He played with them a while, till one of them finally rolled away, and he could not find it. " Well/ said the gentleman, "my lad, which one have you lost?" " Oh," said the boy, " I have lost the one I was going to give to the heathen." A gentleman of indolent habits made a business of visiting his friends extensively. He waa once cordially revceivedby a Quaker, who treated his visitor with great politeness for several days. At last he said, " My friend, I am afraid thee will never visit me again." " Oh, yes, I shall said the visitor ; "I have enjoyed my visit very much ; I shall certainly come again." " Nay," said the Quaker, " I think thee will not visit me again." " What makes you think I will not visit you again V asked the visitor. "If thee does never leave," said the Quaker, " how canst thee come again." While my family resided in Ireland, we had a housekeeper, a native of Devonshire. Going one day into the market at Cork, ■he was accosted by a basket woman thus : " I hope you'll take me, ma'am ; sure I'm English, like yourself !" "Indeed" inquired old Hannah ; " and when did you come to Ireland ?" " Oh, ma'am," was the reply, "I came over wid Ollvot Cromwell. " The distinction is as definite to-daj as it was centuries ago. We had an Irish cook. Two Irish dealers. -supplied us with potatoes ; one of them was jealous of the other, and tried to blarney Kitty . into giving him a preference. Upon her protesting that his rival gave as good , - potatoes as he did, "Ah, Kitty, dear," . said he, *' ye apiie 'em in the bating {"—