FACETIAE,

Tuapeka Times, Volume V, Issue 240, 5 September 1872, Page 9

FACETIAE,

Ladies should never put pins in their mouths. Their lips should roses without thorns. The western poets now write the phrase, "Lo! the poor Indian," in this wise- " Loathe poor Indian." A," -'little girl who was asked to define reading, said — "It is hearing with the eyes instead of with the ears."

Why -is law like * sieve? Because, althoiiign'you can see through it, you must be greatly reduced before you can get through' it. 1

If you want to talk heavy science, say "protoxide of hydrogen" instead of "ice;" It sounds loftier, and not one man" in a thousand will Jtnow what you mean. ;',.,-",, A^corqrierta jury in Boston returned as a verdict, in the case of a woman who died suddenly, that " she died from congestion "of the brain, caused by over tiputefcion?*

A«yotmg Fleet-street journalist, being charged. 'with being lazy, was asked if he took it from his father. "I think not," said "the disrespectful son ; " father's got all the laziness he ever had."

"Mjr.aoiL," said a tutor, of doubtful morality but severe aspect, putting his hand oh the boy's shoulder, "I believe Satan has got hold of you." I believe so, too,', -iras the reply. A young man out West was entrusted with- the money to bring his father home a good family sewing machine, He carried off * neighbour's daughter to Chicago married' her, and brought her home. "I never saw such a cold woman as is," said an envious beauty of ter, the. other evening. "I feel quite .confident that she must give her husband a cold in the head whenever she kisses, him."

The following fcrief colloquy occured at an Irish railway station :— Passenger : "How. long will the next train be?'.' Porterf. M'Aboiit six carriages, your hono.ur, so far as I knows, and an engine, by course."

A Mr. Wilkinson has written to a Western paper, uifb^ming the . public that he thinks' the newspaper report of his death is incorrect^ _He. says that, to. the best of lis knowledge, he-is^Jive r and would- be cidki^^^Jkißjoquld find the author of ;h^ report. dn l^iigliia farmer* wife, who some tine ago, foui\d that.a party of Baptists hai performecl the inaugural ceremony of their sect on her premises, exclaimed hd^iantlT, the creatures.'. Til toaeh tEeinto leave all their nasty sins in ty pond." .'i '-

" Noo, my quid bairns," said a schoolmster to his class, " {Here's just another ifttancQ o'. the uncertainty o' human life ; ac of your ainschulinates — a fine wee bit laue-^-went't&lier bed' hale and weel at niht, and rose a corpse in the morning." V man recently went to a lawyer's office, «A told-tijelegajgeutleinan that he had fr 0^ JltJTOtfJ&by> man, who told, him to goo 'hell, and desired to know what he ahold do. The lawyer suavely said, " I wofdn't adyifte-yob to grf; the law don't oorpelyou."

' What shall J do to get warm?" asked a Mhionably-attired lady of a quaker wb f a*j riding in , a , carriage with. ;her, atthV 'same-time ahivpring in her lace shwl mnd profusion of jeyelry." "Idoh't k»w," replisd, the, quaker, solemnly, "inleM thee puts 1 on another breastpin !" A. toeftvqd widower, whilst receiving wth due acknowledgment, the condolence of friefids — that it was indeed a great loss »*d bereavement, that he had suffered, •deed— "And just think ! Qnly afew days agorbjonglt^her a 'whopf )fo% of pins, •ndsn«Man*t time to \e&& half of them Wore ibe.diedi" . ™ < AchiH*tan onpe presented himself to.fl great nobleman who suffered cruelly from tbe g>nt. khd offered an infallible remedy. *'Hwt/ijd xon enter. thiE town?" asked «*BoW«in»n., "On foot,? "Then be of witj»j|^i; for it you really possessed ■pek describe ,you would ' feng lye-riqdm in your, coach and Mfc - ■*- t■ •" -*~ -*-- • *•— 1 - u — ■- '• ■■