FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume V, Issue 237, 15 August 1872, Page 9

FACETIAE.

' l Assault with intent to become insane " is the way they put deadly attacks now. Why are washerwomen the silliest of people ? — Because they put their tubs to catch soft water when it rains hard. The St. Albans (Vt.) "Messenger" thinks "sky blue is a pretty color for ceilings, but not so tasty for country milk at eight cents a quart." Sandy: "I say Jock, mon, did ye ever get your hair brooshed. by machinery 1 " Jock : < ' Naw f What like is't 1 " Sandy : "Eh, mon, it's awfu' nice. It's near as as good as scratchin' yer head ! " "What makes your cows so cross?" said an old lady to the milkman, the other day. "Cross, ma'am? They are the gentlest things in the world." " Well, the milk is always sour," the matron replied, sharply. A man was delivering a public address in Massachusetts the other evening, stepped over the edge of his platform, and, striking on his feet, calmly continued : "To come down to the level of my audience ." Bus, a kiss ; rebus, kiss again ; pluribus, to kiss irrespective of sex ; syllabus, to kiss the hand instead of the lips ; blunderbus, to kiss the wrong person ; omnibus, to kiss all promiscuously ; cerebus, to kiss in the dark. One of our august senators, who is getting a little bald, was the other day asked by his heir : " Papa, are you still growing ? " " No, dear ; what makes you think so ? " '* Because the top of your head is coming through your hair." A Teaser for Teacher. — Governess : " Q— Yes J Well, what's the next letter?" ifoarlie: "Ye nex' letter?" Governess: ! Come, make haste and tell me." Onarlie : "Oo tell me/ Oo turn here to teach me, me not here to teach ool" An imaginative Irishman has improved upon Ossian :—": — " I returned to the hall of my fathers by night, and I found them in ruins — 1 cried aloud, 'My- fathers, where are they P ' and the echo resounded, 4 Is that you, Patrick M'Clathero.' " High Church Curate: "And what do you think, Mr. Simpson, about a clergyman's turning to the east?" Literal Churchwarden . " Well, sir, my opinion is, that if the clergyman is good lookin', he don't want to turn his back on the congregation ! " . > ■ > A Pious Fraud. — Master (who finds his apprentice reading a " penny awful ") : "Your S,unday school master, said- you were a steady moral boy, /arid I find y-ou — in work time— reading that pernicious trash— eh, sir!" Boy: :" Please,; sir, I was only a-reading- on in 'opes of the 'ero dying conwerted I" ■ " ' Daughter ; " Oh '. mamma dear, may I go to the Bouncers' ball ? " Mamma : " No, .Clara, darling, you are better here at home with me." Daughter; "But you used to go to balls once, mamma." Mamma : " Yes, my love, but now I have Been the folly of it." Daughter: "But I want to see the folly of it too, mamma, dearest." Mr. Greeley considers the present month the best time for grafting baked-bean trees and pruning celery vines. The pork crop should be transplanted from the hotbeds as early as the 20th, or the ears will not. fill out well and the curculio will devour the fruit as fast as it falls from the limbs. Lettuce should' be planted about four seeds'in a*hill7on land ploughed , at least six feeVdeep'with sub-^oirplough, and poles should be set for^the vines to run upon^^T-he heads' should not be shaken fromitheibranches, but picked by hand. ISuckers .should be pinched., oft beet bnsfies 1 and tlie dried, apple, crop sown hx I drills > with .. sauerkraut' planted between the rows. The Ottawa says :— Ddring the jjre. last night a man was discovered in a vacant lot on Sandy Hill, gagged and tied to a tree firmly with ropes, and a large placard placed on his breast, of which we give a' verbatim copy, as follows — •

ouows — " Eno one lose or unti this man, for he was bad to his wife ; Kno one kas his kords, sposin he has a jaknif, I leeve him here to di if he chuse, An I turn round a~nd I vamose.

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