FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume V, Issue 234, 25 July 1872, Page 9

FACETIÆ.

" You're a queer chicken," as then hen said when she batched a duck. Utah grasshoppers are are on the jump. Brigham Young says they are worse than the Indians. An American, in writing of the Rev. H. W. Beecher, says :—": — " In person he resembles the rector, Buckstone, aud in preaching, the Falls of Niagara." What is the, difference between stabbing a nron and killing a hog ? The one is assaulting with intent to kill, and the other • killing with intent to salt. "In Cork," said O'Cocnell, " I remember the crier trying to disperse the crowd by exclaming, ' All ye blackguards that isn't lawyers quit the coort.' " A western poet ecstatically cries : —*' I caught her,softly by the arm, my geutle, blue-eyed Kate. She cried :— ' Let go, you stupid fool, you hurt my vaccinate.'" A Quakeress said recently to a friend, in referjnee to the Quaker formula of marriage, "It is true I did not prdmise to obey wneu I was uiarried ; but T might as well have done so, for I had to do it." A Pennsylvania paper thus criticises a female vocalist: — "She beats cats on high notes. There is no music or chest tone in her voice, but it is about six octaves £bove the screech of a lost Indian." An exchange say 3 that a '• gentleman who went to Palls Village, with a view to settling tHere has returned discouraged. He says the soil isfso poor there that the people give concerts for its benefit." The following notice is posted in the Green Bay Post-office : " Price of three cent stamps, three cents each ; licked and stuck, five cents each ; the clock will answer the question 'Has the mail closed?'" A twelfth ward son of Vulcan, whose wife lately made happy by presenting him with a pair of twins, a >ys he'll name one of them Hammer and the other Tongs, and have them christened by the Rev. Dr. Bellows. A child in a western city lately fell into a tub of scalding water, and a local paper says that, " Although instantly snatched up by the agonised father, she lay in a stupor till death took her where scalding "water is unknown." Seth. has been experimenting in horticulture lately, and having been eminently 'successful in raising a goodly crop of corns, called at Beck's agricultural warehouse to pnrchase a boot tree — designing to grow his own boots. "Ah!" said a pious Sunday school teacher, " Caroline Jones, what do you think you would. have been without your good father and mother ? " "I suppose, mum," said Caroline, " I suppose I should ha' been a horphan." The ordinary mode of churning butter in Chili is to put the milk in a skinusually a dog's skin — tie it on a donkey, mount a boy on him, with rowels in his spurs about the length of the animal's ears, ancithen run him four mile heats. *■ . An a£Jd coloured man made application for food at Washington, claiming it as a constitutional privilege. "■ Why," said .- he, " I understan' dars provisions in de Constitution for the coloured folks, and I haven't had one crumb."

.!" Will you have the kindness to hand 'me the butter before you ? " said a gentleman politely at a table to an ancient maiden, " I am no waiter; sir." "Is it so? I thought from your appearance- you had been waiting a long time." Hhe following 1 r'.ef c >11 iquy o jenrr d at 0i Irish railway station :•— Passenger — • 'A How long will, the . next train be 1 "

"P«|ter — 7 " About^ -six.- carriages* your ,^pn£or,-- »o i;&of£far as>£ knows, f and an '"'engine fey 'course.'* '" '