FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume V, Issue 232, 11 July 1872, Page 9

FACETIAE.

What does a husband's prumise about giving \tp tobacco end in ? Why, in smoke. Every man magnifies the injurie3 he has received, and lessens those lie has inflicted." s We should not forget that life is a flower, which is no sooner blown than it begins to wither. Every man to his trade, as tho cobbler said when he pegged his wife. Has the singular fact been remarked that all operas have exactly the same number of pieces; for they all haye — a score? Paradoxes are irreconcilable. A ladyinforms us that, after giving her husband a piece of her mind, she had moro peace. A cynic says thab modern women cast off their garments and their husbands with equal facility, when they get blase of them. A thoughtful observer is puzzled by finding that for a burlesque to be completely successful, it must have a breakdown. The taste for sweets prevail in all of us long after childhood — nay, even in old age, every one wishes to be worth a'plum. Gentleman's spring hats will be very large this year, ia order to accoraodate the constantly increasing number of swelled heads." What is the difference between a lady and a looking-glass 1 One spsaks without reflecting — the other reflects without speaking. At a recent 'presentation the recipient of the gift began his reply thus : " Ladies and gentleman, this sword is the proudest day of my existence." A man in New England rusked to the rive?, swearing that he woul drown himself. When he had waded in^to the depth of hi» waist, his wife, who had followed, him, seized him by the hair, and then, as a local editor describes it, she "led him back .till they reached a place where the •water was about two feet deep, where she pulled him over backward, soused him under, and pulled his head up again. 'Drown yourself — (down he went) — leave me to father the brats ! (another plunge) get drunk! (another souse) — and start for the river, (another dip and shake of his head). I'll le.irn you to leave me a widow and all the men at the war!' After tffr»^ig him to her heart's content, she lAj^im out, a wetter if hot a better man, and escorted him into the house and closed the door." ago Huntsville, was under a BlflHP^w permitting only druggists to sell inTSlcatiug liquors, and then only by a. written order from a physician. It happo'd ou a cold, rainy day, that a fast chap. r '~:< <>*& nome might have been Johnsoi 1 n ■ wr for a "New York dry goods h<r<£ '.- pi d into Huntsville, and after stcjoa' . .-' 'he hotel, wrote a note and sent a irtilw J^rkcy to the drug store for a bottle c>i whisky. The boy returned minus the whisky, but with information that a .physician's order would bring it. It only required a moment to add (C M.D." to Johnson's uaruo attached to the note and the -whisky was forthcoming. The next day in conversation wifch Johnson, the druggist addressed him aa "doctor." "Beg pardon," said Johnson. " but I am no doctor." "But the M.D. to your name yesterday?" "Only stood for Mighty Dry," was the cool reply. •