FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume V, Issue 231, 4 July 1872, Page 9

F AC ET IÆ .

What we know about farming — the best paying tree to plant : A-cash-ah

Somebody wishes to know if a pig pen is used to write hog latin.

Why should a gouty man make his will ? — to leave his leg at ease ( legatees).

What is the difference between fish alive and live fish ! — There is a difference.

Josh Billings says — " When you strike ile, stop boring, menny a man has bored clean thru and let all the ile run out at the bottom."

A Fort Wayne woman was married first to Robb, second to Bobbins, and third to Robinson. She will have to take Robbin's grandson next.

After leap-year party dinners the ladies go upstairs and indulge in candy cigars, while the geutlemen criticise each other's attire.

The latest case of abcense of mind is that of a young lady who, on returning from a walk with her lover, the other evening, rapped him on the face, and bade a good night to the door.

A lady being asked what was her husband's occupation, said he was engaged in " finishing." It was subsequently ascertained that it was a term in the penitentiary to which she referred.

The la Crosse Democrat " benedicts " a marriage as follows t — " The bride was given away by the city and the city was mighty glad to get rid of her.

In an article on a recent fair in that city, the editor of a Macon paper says a brother editor took a valuable premium : but an unkind policeman made him put it right back where he took it from.

A Tennessee house, containing a dozen negroes, was turned over several times by a hurricane. Tlie negroes were absolutely uninjured ; but the house is in a critical condition, and fears are expressed for the hurricane.

Advertising has become a science in America. Tradesmen will connect their business with the, topmost incident of the day, no matter what it is. For instance, a bootmaker in New Orleans has the following :—: —

"The Prince of Wales is very sick, Alexis has the measleß, Wagnar has fine boots and shoes, Pop go the weasels. Go to the sign of the " Red Boot," corner of Dauphine and Ursuline streets." The maid of awl work. — Boots. Lip service. — Tea cups and saucers, Knighthood turns a Christian name into a Sir name.

If you would destroy your own repose, disturb that of your neighbour. " Molly, my darlin', what o'clock is it — and where's the pudding ?" "It's eight ( ate )," says Molly. Dr. Parr thus characterised a deceased prelate : — Sir, he is a poor, paltry prelate ; proud of petty popularity, and perpetually prpaching to petticoats. " How do you do ?" exclaimed a gentleman, seizing a lady's hand and squeezing * rather rudely. "Oh, I am suifering n^m the pressure, sir." lii a game of cards a good deal depends on good playing, and good playing depends on a good deal. A bankrupt, irritated at a counsel recently pleading agains> him, exclaimed at last, " Thee hold thy din ; I owed thee nothing." We summon a person of what race when we take leave of a friend ?— A- Jew. If he comes, what will bt> Uio object 1 To ad monish.

"Why do you call me Birdie, my dear ?" inquired a wife of her husband. "Because was the reply, "you are always associated in my mind with a bill."

A comic paper has been started in Utah ■with the astonishing title of " Keepapitchinin " (keep a-pitching in). Its name is indicative of its nature, which any fellow can understand.

AMichigan paper thus delicately announces a death from a " non- explosive," — " Mrs. Maria Framely gave up the bad habit of using kerosene for kindling fires, on Thursday last."

It was Sheridan who said to the tailor that asked him for at least the interest of his bill, "It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principle to pay the nterest."

Reynolds, the dramatist, calling a friend's attention to the thinness of the house at one of his own plays, added that he supposed it was " owing to the war." "No," replied the latter, "it was owing to the piece."

Brothers in law— The judges. Becoming. — In time a mulberry tree becomes a silk gowu, and a silk gown becomes a woman.

The saying that " it is more pleasant to give than to receive," applies only to medicine and advice.

" Stirring times !" as the Scotch laas B»id when she was making porridge.