FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume V, Issue 225, 23 May 1872, Page 9

FACETIAE.

A mental morsel. — A bit of one's mind. A grate noise — The one you make putting an the .coal. Barbers make many friends, but scrape more acquaintances, - A lobster never comes ashore without great riak of getting into hot water. The man who popped the question by starlight, got his answer in a twinkling. Paddy Murphy says that i( one half of the lies told about him aia't true."

One who wishes the world to know what he knows about farming says the best way to raise strawberries is with a spoon. Enraged Parent — i( Did you throw that brick at random ?" Weeping Boy — " No, I threw it at Johnny Williams." " And did you strike him on purpose ? " " No, 1 struck him on the nose." .

Cunning, at best, only duz the dirty wnrk of wisdom, therefore I despize it. — John Hillings. A Frenchman cannot pronounce "ship." The word is "sheep "in his month. Seeing an ironclad, he said to a 003', " fsh dish a war sheep 1" im No," answered the boy, " it's a rani."

The last joke at the expense of the French Society for the Protection of Animal* is to the following effect : — A. countryman, armed with an inynense club, presents himself before the president of tlie society, and claims the first prize. He is asked to describe the act of humanity on which he founds his claim. " I saved the life of a wolf," replied the countryman, " I might easily have killed him with, this bludgeon ; " and he swings Ids weapon in the air, to the intense discomfort of the president. " But where was the wolf ? " enquires the latter ; * ' what has he done to y nu ] " "He had just devoured my wife," was the reply. The president reflects an instant and then ~s"ayßr "My friend, I am of the opinion you have been sufficiently "rewarded." 12^f .^st remarkable instance of indejsJswH^mifT heard of was that of the man wholE^p all night because he could not decid<Fwhich to take off first, his coat or his boots. Solemn Jest. — Where should postmen be buried I—ln1 — In a post-crypt. Why does the washing come home on a Saturday ? — Because it's the close (clothes) of the week. A fellow who had never enjoyed the pleasure of being coaxed out of his money by a pair of bright eyes swimming in tears, and consequently feels angry with those who have, cruelly remarks, "As people sprinkle the floors before they sweep them, so wives sprinkle their husbands with tears in order to sweep the cash out of their pockets. Teach your children to help themselves . — but not to what doesn't belong to them. A Bad Investment. — •' I'm not used to begging," said a New York little girl'to a lady of whom she asked alms, "'cause only two creeks ago my father was a merchant ! " " Why, child, how could you be reduced to poverty so soon ? " "My father took a bad two-dollar bill at his pea-nut stand, and it ruined him," sobbed the child. A clergyman in 3£ansas complains that he has married but one couple this year. They paid him nothing, stayed to dinner, borrowed his umbrella when they left, and never returned it. , A JMoat Powerful Drinker. — Did you hear of Andrew Wallace seizing a man that was drunk, and - putting him up at auction? I must tell you that story. Squire Wallace vas a captain in the militia ; and one day, after training was over, aud just before the men were dismissed from parade, be took a guard with him,' and made a prisoner of Pat Sweeney, who was, a most powerful drinker— drinks as much at a time as a camel almost, *'Pat," says he, "I seize you in the King's name ! " "Me ! " aays Pat, ascratching his head, and looking all abroad, bewildered like ; " I'm not a smuggler ! Touch me if you dare J" "I i seize you," says he; " for violation of the Excise Law, for carrying about you more than.a gallon of rum without a permit, and to-morrow I shall sell you at auction to the highest bidder. You are a forfeited article, and I could knock you on the head and let it out, if I liked ; so no nonsense, man-?" And. he *e»t him off to gaol, screaming and screeching like mad, he was so frightened. The next day Pat was put up at vandau, and knocked • down to hia wife, who bought him for 40s, Jt is* generally considered the greatest rise ever taken out of a man in this country. —American paper.