FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume V, Issue 223, 9 May 1872, Page 9

FACETIAE.

A demure-looking chap hailed a char-

coal pedlar with the query, " Have you got charcoal in your wagon ? " " Yes, "sir," said the expeefcaut driver, stopping his hordes. " That's right/ oßserved the demure-looking chap, with an approving nod ; " always tell the truth and people will respect you ! ". . And he hurried on, much to the regret of the pedlar, who was • getting out of the wagon to look for a brick. The New England ." Medical Gazette " says : — " An old lady followed up a bishop, as he travelled through, his diocese, 'and was confirmed several times before she was detected. She wished the ordinance repeated because she had ' understood it was good for the rheumatism !'" - As good an instance of "sharp practice" as we have ever heard of, is 'that of . a man in Ohio, who w#s acquitted of murder on a plea of insanity. He had secured his lawyers by giving them a mortgage on his farm, but now repudiates the mortgage on the ground that he " was insane when he made il," according to the showing of these same lawyers. Tom bought a gallon of gin to take home ; and, by the way of a label, wrote his name upon a card, which happened to be the seven of clubs, and tied it to the handle. Sheridan, coming along, and observing the jug, quietly remarked — " That's an awful careless way to leave that liquor!" "Why?" said Tom. " Because some one "might come along with the eight of clubs and -take it." A pleasant piece of poetic, justice is reported ' from a town' in Oregon. One morning a young man called upon the editor of the only paper in the country, and asked permission to look at. the files of the paper for 1839. It was granted:. While the editor was in bed waiting till his wife could wash his shirt, that young man carried away the file, nor was it ever seen again .until his lawyer offered it in e-vi^exitee during tlie trial of an action, for s,(tt^dols. damages for an alleged libel, whl^^ejroung man brought against the It- is gratifying to learn that the plaintiff recovered Q\ cents damages, and was arrested by the .editor on a charge of stealing books, convicted, and sent to the penitentiary for seven years. A shipowner, in dispatching his vessel; \ad a great deal of troub'e with one of h?s men, who had got drunk on his advance wages. After the vessel had accomplished her voyage, on settling with the ■crew, it came to the man's tarn to be paid. *' What name? " asked . the merchant. " Cain, sir. " was the reply. " What ! are you the man who slew his brother )" "No, sir," replied Jack, giving his trousers a nautical hitch ; " I'm the man that was slewed. " Mr. M., of Oxford, don't object to" have a man do a full day's work ; at least; so we judge from the following story : — A' short time ago a man went to his place for work. Mr. M. set him ploughing a .. forty acre field. After he had ploughed faithfully all day until the sun was about -half an hour high, he expressed his opinion that it was about time to quit. "Qh, no!" replied Mr. M., "you can plough eight bouts more just as well as not. " So the man ploughed around six or eight tunes, then went to the house, took catfe of his team, milked nine cows, ate his supper, and found 10 o'clock staring him" in the face from the old timepiece. Said this man to Mrs. M., " Where is Mr. M\?" and the good woman answered, " He has retired. Do you wish to see him V\ He replied that he did. After being conducted to the bedroom, he said : £?,Mr. M.. where is the axe?" " Whyj^ "saidMr. MI, " what do want to do with the axe V " Well, " said the persevering man, '• I thought you .might like me to split wood till breakfast is ready." * -„--- A Yankee writes : — ' MgMovra wife : line comin ome nex.week and hay forgiv you for jawin me. lie come on the 7 n'elock trane and shall stay ome ereaf ter & try to be an altered man. I want peace and so do yew why shouldnt .we luv each uther as we. used ter when we first, jined together in* the wholly bands of wadlock ivejined a temperance society but if yew ever jaw me again for comin ome I'll wollap you like 6ty fur we must have . peese asgrantses.' ' '.- At Trafalgar,, when the now famous signal was displayed—-' England, expects every man to do his duty ' — an .Ayrshire lad on board, the. Victory said indignantly, to his messmate, ' Look there, Jack, ' England expect*, ' and tiot a word obout pair auld Scotland:' 'Man, Gedrdie, is that a ' the sense ye*ye got ?. They ken weeL enough -that* the. .'Scotch are,snrevto -do their duty — the signal's a broad hint Englishmen.' .