FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume V, Issue 222, 2 May 1872, Page 9

FACETIÆ.

A decided stand — A stand of arms. A tiling that is not visible — No-thing. Admitted free of duty — Our servants. A key that unlocks many a till — Whiskey.

A ration for tlie Siamese twina —Separation.

How to test the weight of a wall — Scale it.

Spiritual manifestations — Delirium treniens.

Universal accomplishments — Playing the fool.

The only tree that flourishes on sandy Cape Cod is beach.

A. vocalist was nearly choked .lately by his swelling notes.

A volume that will bring tears iv your eyes — A volume of smoke.

What relatives ought to make the best pedestrians ? — Step-sons.

The man who couldn't find his match went to bed in the dark.

Man's greatest enemy is the wine glass ; woman's the looking glass.

Eve's droppings — Fruit from the forbidden tree.

The favourite, bird with the baby is. its little crow.

To become the lion of a party, is it necessary to make a beast'cl one's self ? The professional forger asks one right for himself — copyright.

A student of theology describes woman's original sphere to be the apple.

Gambling. — Some young ladies go on playing at vingt-et-un till they are past thirty.

' A young man's affections are not always wrong, but they are generally missplaced. , . ' - .

To Young Ladies : Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, but half shut afterwards.

The man. who inadvertently threw a light on his own bad actions, has completely put himself ont about it.

A Sixth Ward (Danbnry) coloured man whos.e indolence is quite pronounced, ties his. fish-line to his dog, and when there is a bite the only exertion he is required to make is. to kick the d»g.

The complainant in a New York breach of promise case alleged that the defendant " was the most mene and desitfillist rech that never wolked the harfch."

A preacher, whose custom it was to indulge in very long sermons, exchanged ■with one who preached short ones.- At about the usual time for dismissing, the audience began to go out, until nearly all had left, when the sexton, who had- stood it as long as he could, walked up the pulpit stairs, and said to the preacher in a whisper : " When yon get through, lock up, will you, and leave the key at my house, next to the church." A man out in Logans port, Indiana, had a jackass palmed off on him for a mule colt, and it has proved to be an elephant on his hands. He tied it in his back yard and waited patiently for his neighbours to offer him a bonus to remove the little animal out of earshot, for he was satisfied they would soon grow weary of the deep bass voice of the long-eared "colt." A gentleman who " passed by on the other side " reports that JVlr. S. was sitting on the doorstep with his ears stuffed with cotton, while his neighbours were hunting an attorney to bring an injunction suit against the jackass.

Treating a Discussion. — A. pavty of gentlemen in a liquor saloon, disputing whether the American system of treating or the European system of not treatiug preferable, couldn't settle the matter by talking and so they went to work testing it by practice. First each* man took a drink by himself . Then each man invited a single friend to drink, and each single friend returned the compliment. And, finally, each man in the party — there were six of them — asked all the rest to drink. When all that, was accomplished, , not a soul, in' the room could tell where the-dis-cussion originated or. wbat it wW