FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume IV, Issue 221, 25 April 1872, Page 9

FACETIÆ.

An old Scotchwoman when asked whether she understood the minister's seimoii. replied "Would I hae the presumption 1 " Fe nale Infallibility. — A man frequently admits that he was in the wrong, but a woman never — the was only mistaken " " Every tree is subject to disease," said a speaker in a fruit-giowers' convention. ! " What ailment can you find on an oak 1 " asked {be chairman, " A corn," was the triumphant reply. Can a man be nprisjht in doing good, if he is bent on doing it ? Shocking Immorality : How often do ■we he* rof people lying at the point of death ! A New York paper, in a fit of Revolutionary enthusiasm, siys, " Ilvnrah for the girls of '76 I " A New Jersey paper, says, " Thunder ! that's far too old ! Ho, no ! Hunv.h fnr the g^rls of 17 ! " | An old gentleman hvm the country, j stepping at afirst-raLe hotel in New York, wvote home that his room was six storeys high, and his bill was three storeys higher than his room. A Green Mountain boy, whose inhuman father chea' ed him ont of a year of his time byniakiitghinithiiik he was a year younger than he actnal'y was, doclarecl c n nnd'.ng it out, that if lie was ever bora again he would keep his own age. A Curious Sculptor: At a soiree the other day one gentlemau pointed out a dandified-looking individual to his fiiend as a sculptor. " What," said his friend, '* such a looking chap as that a sculptor ! Surely you must be mistakeu." "He may not be the kind of one you mean," said the informant, "but I know that he chizzled a tailor out of a suit of clothes last week." Couldn't Sleep With that Man : A story is told of two travellers who were assigned to the same bedroom in a crowded hotel. Before retiring one of them knelt down to pray, and confessed a long catalogue of sins. On rising from his knees he saw his fellow traveller, valise in hand, goin'4 out of the door, and exclaimed : '* What's the matter? What's up?" "Oh, nothing," was the reply? " only Fm not going to risk myself with such a scamp as you confess yourself to be." A woman lately looking at a, printing press at work, looked up in the faca of her companion, and in a most earnest manner inquired, "Arrah, Tim, an' them's the things as writes the papers? Be's them what they call editors 1 Holy mother of Moses ! Do the Americans abuse each other by machinery ? " Brudder Lotted of Rlonfjjomery, Alabama, was killed by lightning while appropriating grain from a corn crib. The loyal blacks are much perplexed, and jiiteously inquire — "Ia de Lord turned Ku-Klux gin de poor darkies, jis for stealing a liitle eon ? " What is the difference between a farmer and a bottle of whiskey ? " One husbands the corn and the other corns the husbands. In a Connecticut bar-room a duplicate key of the village cemetery is prudently kept for the convenience of customers. A man who had read about "converting United States five-twenties," says he longs to he a missionary in that field and knows that he should cleave to his flock. A New York politician, in writing a letter of condolence to the widow of a "country member" who had been his friend, says, "I am j.ained to hear that , has gone to heaven. We were bosom friends, but now we shall never meet again." A lady in Brooklyn is known to be so humane that she will not even allow her carpet to be beaten; and was frighhfully shocked on hearing a boy, who was relating a story about a donkey, tell his comrades to cut his tale short. She actually fainted away when a relative said he had been killing time. A youth took his father's cow toa pound and realised fifteen cents for fourth of July expenses. A girl in Cincinnati adverdses for somebody to love her, and- says she will give him 200 dols. if he will do it in -a virtuous and gentle manner. A young man sitting by his girl, with whom he was quarrelling, petulantly remarked fchat she was nothing. She said she would not admit that, but she would say that she was next to , nothing. A sensible old soldier is that who lives near Louisville. Whenever a quarrel with his wife is impending, he takes his tent jand frying-pan" and some provisions, and camps out until his wife hunts him up and eflfepts a reconciliation, . . *. '