JERSEY LIGHTNING.

Tuapeka Times, Volume IV, Issue 221, 25 April 1872, Page 8

JERSEY LIGHTNING.

BY JOSH BILLINGS.

Jersey lightning is a cider brandy, three hours old still born, and quicker than a Hash. The juice iz drunk raw by all old sporU, and makes a premonitovy and hissiug noise az it winds down the throat, like au old she goose sef Ling on eggs, or a hot iron stuck into ice water. Three horns a day of this licker will lan a mau's interior in six months so that he kan swallo a live six footed crab, feet fust, and not waste a wink.

It don't fat a man (cider don't) like v»'hiskee doz, but puckers him up like fried potatoes. It a man kan survive the fust three years df Jersey lightuing, he iz safe then for the next 75 years to come, and keeps looking every clay more and more like a three year old pepperpod, hotter and hotter. An old cider brandy drinker will steam, in a suddeu shower ov rain, like a pile ov stable manure, and his breth smell Jike a bnnghole oT rum cask lately emptied. When Jersey lightning iz fust born it tastes like bilcing turpentine and cayenne, half and half, and will •jaise a blister on a pair of old cowhide brogans in 15 minutes, and applied eternally will cure the rumatism or kill tbe patient, I forgot which. The arst born a mail takes of this licker will make him think be has swallowed a gas light, and he will go out behind the barn and trie to die, but kant. The eyes of an old ciderbrandist looks like deep gashes cut in a ripe tomatto, hiz noze ix the eomplexshm of a half boiled lobster, and the grizzle in his gullet sticks out like an elbo in a tin leader. The more villainous thp drink, Hie more inveterate are thoze who drink. I kaufc tell yer whether cider branclee will shorten an old sucker's days or not, for they generally outlive all the rest of the naburs, ancl die just as soon as the old tavern stand changes bands, and is opened on temperance principles. One bottle ov sassaparilla or ginger popp is az fatal to these old fellers as a riffle ball is tew a bed bugg.