FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume IV, Issue 220, 18 April 1872, Page 9

FACETI Æ.

Food for Toadies — Sponge-cake. The Best Thing Out— Out of debt. " Table-rapping." - After a public dinjaer. Change for a Sovereign — A Republic. Never cross your betters, t,'s excepted. Military Mem. — Do kernels wear shell /jackets ?

Every forester should be resigned to Jiis fete.

Filbert nails do not crack more easily than others.

Seasonable Advice. — Don't spoil your best razois opening your best friends' oysfters.

Query. — What becomes of the bits of a woman's mind 1

Is Deatli's door opened with a skeleton key?

Compliments are bubbles blown from soft soap.

Song of a Scotchman bottled Up in town : •' How happy could 1 be with heather."

To Trades Unionists. — When a ]aboure., Is not worthy of his hire, is he not •w rthj'of his master's ire?

An Indian being asked what he did for -a living, replied, "O, me preach !' ' "Preach?" said a bystander; "do you get anything for it?" "Sometimes me get a shillin', sometimes tffo shillin'." "And isn't that mighty poor pay?" "0, yes ; but it's mighfcy poor preaching ! "

"A Peace Footing. — A wooden leg. Horace Greely says that " a pipe is a thing with a fire at one end and a fool at the other."

" Harry, I cannot, think," says Dick, " What makes my ankles grow sc> thick." " You forget," says Harry, " how great a calf they have to carry."

. " I would rather have a spil presently than a.-light now,"^gaid that incorrigible wag, Jones, when the mare ran awaj r .

A Irishman trying to put out a gaslight •with his fingers, cried o«vfc, "Ocn, niur•der ! the devil a wick's in it ! "

A son of Erin just arrived in the land .of plenty, being in want, was told by a person to whom he applied for aid, to go to -, generally considered a very warm region. " Civility, indade," said Pat "to •invite me to your father's house. "

A lover consulted a lawyer about car--: _^ying off an heiress. "You must not carry her off." said the lawyer, " but she -can carry you off. Let her mount a horse and hold the bridle and whip, and then you get up behind her, and let her rim away with you, and you'll be, safe." The next morning the lawyer found that his daughter had run away wilh the said young man in the aforesaid manner. "Hallo, there, capting," said a Brother Jonathan to the captain of a canal packet on the Erie Canal ; " what do you charge for passage ? " " Three cents per mile, and boarded," said the captain. " Wa'al, I guess I'll take the passage, .xjapting, seeing as hofv I'm kinder giu out walking so far." Accordingly he got on •beard as the steward was ringing for dinner. Jonathan sat down and. began demolishing the " fix ins' v to the niter con-

sternation of the captain, until he had .cleared the table of all that was eatable, when he got up and went on deck, picking his teeth, very comfortably. "How far is it, capfcing, from here to whore I ■got aboard?" "Nearly a mile and ahalf," said the captain. "Let's see," said Jonathan ; " that would be just four and a-half cents ; but never mind, capting, I won't be small. Here's five cents, which pays my fare to here. I guess I'll go ashore now. I'm kinder rested eout." Deer Jeames, — Hive been werry unfortnight with They pigs, won heve bin cornfraed with tbe cat-tail plaig and tother With a familee of 3 lade up witb mizzels, hopping this Wil find you, Well as it leaves me. At presen, sow no moor at present from me. Tore troolie R. H. A negro, named Ephe, who was a regular attendant at church, was proud of his Bible learning. He was sawing -wood one day, while his master's son, a lad of about twelve years, was looking on, and now and then asking questions. " Which of the Apostles do you like best?" asked Ephe. " Well, I don't know," drawled the boy. "Hike Samson," said Ephe ; •" he was so string, and piled Tip dern •wicked folks so." "Why, Ephe," re•plied the boy, " Samson wasnt one of the Apostles." Ephe put down his saw, and looked at the youngster a moment in •amazement, and then asked him with an ■air of triumph : " Look here, -white boy, how, old are you?" "Twelve," replied £heboy. "Well, I'se forty; now, who <o;ughfc to know best.? I;ax you dat."