FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume 21, Issue 216, 21 March 1872, Page 7

F AC ET I Æ.

Parlour magazines — Kerosene lamps. Woojl gatherings — Fights between negroes.

What key is the hardest to turn ?— Donkey. Dogs beat dentists — They insert natural teeth.

Howto'make a slow horse fast— don't feed him.

It is at the approach of dinner time itha* we feel most sensibly the " emptiness of things below."

The man who sat down on an open paper of carpet nails, said they reminded him of the income tax.

A young man who keeps a collection ofJocka of hair of his lady friends, calls •them his hair-breadth escapes. Fishes out .of water — Muscles in a lady's nock.

What does a grocer do with all his ,things befure lie sells them ? Gives them .^weigh. Reynolds, the dramatist, observing t>> Martin the thinness of the house at one of his own plays, asked if he supposed it was owing to the war. " No," replied the other, ',-' it was owingto the^ne&e." A school iSpyTiaying yery good naturedJy helped another, in a difficult lesson, »vas angrily questioned by the teacher : <" Why did you work his lessou '(" " To Jesßon his work," replied the youngster. A pawnbroker having joined . a temperance society, it was remarked that there need be no fear of his not keeping {the pledge.

■ A Western journal offers this inducement : -" All subscribers paying in advance wili be entitled to Vifcrst-plass obituary notice in case of death." The St. Louis girls were so badly frightened by the experience of one of jfcheir number who dislocated her neck while resisting a kias, that ttey now hold their lips in the softest aifd most comfortable position whenever they see a man anywhere near.

The people of Philadelphia are not very inquisitive. Wje see advertisements of lost wajbehes, jewelry, etp., with rewards offered for their return, and presuming that the finders may be bashful, the advertisement assures them that " no questions will he asked."

Orsan-grinders motto — Turn about is £ajr play, A mental morsel— 4 bit of one's mind. A grate noise — The one you make putting on the coals.

barbers make many friends, but scrape more acquaintances. The best person, indeed the onjy person, to nil a vacuum, is a dentist. A lobster never comes ashore without great risk of getting into hot water. . T^e man who popped tlje question by starlight,-got his answer iv a twinkling. Paddy Murphy says that •" one- half of the lies told about him ain't true."

A milkman accounted for the weakness of Ids milk by saying that the cows got caught in the rain. Mrs. Partingjboni* .collecting autocrats, and will be grateful for any specimens of the handwriting of extinguished piharaciters.

" I wonder what causes my eyes tq l>e so weak ?" said a fop to a lady. " They are in a weak place," replied the latter. " How is coal this morning ?" said a purchaser to an Irishman in a coal-yard. " Black as iver," replied Patrick, respectfully talcing off the remains of 'tis hat.

Stokes doesn't know the ropes very well, and therefore thinks he won't be hang

" Woodbining " is the absolutely latest. It is used when people depart with other people's wives. Victoria 0. was hissed at Boston by an audience that wished she Woodhijlled her tongue and not talk free love.

4 djeaf and dumb convention was held at boston lately. Three hundred people were present and mute-ually edified each other.

▲ Weitevq pappr think* thai women sroyld not make good statesmen. *' The question of the age" always troubles : them, I " I say,'' said a dandy to a respectable mechanic, «* I say, I've got an idea in my head." " VVe^t replied th.eoth«F, ''it yon don't cheflir it' with great care, it ; will die for want p£ companions." . . I A little girl down East, who was imI patiently waiting the tardy movements of I jug mother, a few Sabbath mornings I- arose, cried out, "Come, Mamma, tfte I WJ'i itoUin' and Dod's awaHin',"