FACETI£.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 215, 14 March 1872, Page 7

FACETI£.

A Pair of Tights. — Two drunkards. A Waist of Time. — A stout old lady's Fishes Out of Water. — Muscles in a lady's neck.

The sting of a bee carrys conviction with it. It makes a man a bee-leaver at once.

What does a grocer do with all his things before he sells them ? Gives them a weigh.

The saying that "it is more pleasant to give than to receive " applies only to medicine and advice.

A Wisconsin lover wrote to his sweetheart^ — " There is not a globule of blood in my heart that does' not bear your photograph."

Before and After. — Dr. nail says that for the period of a month beforo marriage, and a month after death, men regard their wives as angels. An Irishman, hearing of a friend who had a stone coffin made for himself, exclaimed — " Faith,' that's good. Sure, an' a stone coffin 'ud last a man a lifetime."

" Which, my dear lady, do yon think the merriest place in the world ?" " That immediately above the atmosphere that surrounds the earth, I should think." "And why so?" "Because I am told that thereall. bodies lose their gravity."

Jones says that he was so fond of his wife before marriage, that he could have eaten her up ; and ever since he has been sorry he didn't. ♦ Here ! — The last funny story is to the effect that an old deaf gentleman was walking in his garden one day when every one else was away from home, when presently the milkman came along outside the high garden wall, and gave liis customary yell. The old gentleman heard something, but being very deaf, was unable to make out" just what was wanted ; so he put his ear trumpet in place, and elevating the bell end over the edge of the wall, exclaimed, " Here ! " The milkman took it for a dish, emptied a quart of milk into the old gentleman's ear, and went on about hi 3 business ! •Josh Billings says: It is a statistical fact that the wicked work harder tew reach hell than tho righteous do to get to heaven.

A Californian jury, in a suicide case lately, found the following verdict : — l< We, the jury, find that the deceased was a fool."

" Steel jour heart," said a considerate father to his son, " for you are now going among some fascinating girls." "I had much rather steal theirs," said the unpromising young man. A Detroiter, who kept a flask of whisky with him on a shooting trip, struck a race course in the suburbs on his return, and walked round it all night, 'wondering why he didn't get to town. The following singular epitaph appears in the cemetery at Malaga :—": — " Here lies Jean Perrez, who was a good father, good son, and good husband. Do not confound him with his younger brother bearthe same name, who is a felon in the galleys at Ceuta." A coloured preacher at a Georgia camp meeting is said to have told his hearers they could never enter heaven with whisky bottles in their pockets, and urged them to " bring 'ejn ri&ht'to the pulpit," and he would " offer 'em a sacrifice to de Lord."" It was done, but the preacher was found incapable when the hour for evening service arrived. Fowl Play. — One Sunday, while a minister was holding forth in a country church, a crowd got up a cock fight in the yard. The people who had congregated went out to stop the fight, but waited till the fight was over before objecting. The minister looked out of the window at the crowd, and said, " We are all miserable sinners ; which, beat ?"

It is odd, but true, that most people sleep hardest on soft beds. '• Have you seen my black faced antelope?" enquired the keeper of a menagerie. " Ko," said the visitor ; " whom did your black faced aunt elope with ?" ' A* master observing that the once white linen of one of his employe's had, through long absence from soap and water, become a hazy black, enquired, aa a prelude to a homily on cleanliness, how often his shirt was washed. " Once a month," was the reply. " Why, I require two shirts in a week." " Twa sarks in ac week 1" ejaculated Robbie. "Ye maun be a dirty deevil ! " " How do you feel with such a shocking coat on V asked a young clerk with more tailors' bills than gond sense. " I feel," said old Roger, looking at him steadily — " I feel, young man, as if I had a coat on which had been paid for. I hope you may some day enjoy tlie same luxury." A certain minister going to visit one of his sick parishioners, asked him how he had rested during the iri»ht. '< Oh, wondrous ill, sir," replied he, for mine eyes have not come together these three nights." " What is the reason of that ?" asked the minister. " Alas ! sir," was tfie reply, " because my nose was betwixt them."