FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 213, 29 February 1872, Page 7

FACETIAE.

Bat* (says Josh Billings) originally cum from Norway, aad I wish they had originally staid there. They are about az tuicalled-for as a pane in "the small of the back., . , A Scotchman and an Irishman had arranged to- fight a duel in a dark room. The Scotchman, not wishing to have blood on his hands, fired up the chimney, when, to his horror, down came Paddy lifelew.

" Mr. Speaker,"" said a member of the Jamaica Legislature, discussing a bill for the .regulation of the timber trade, "1 know these timber, merchants to be the most egregious rascals — I was in the timber line myself twelve years." , 'Here is an >anecdote of, Opie and Godwin. Opie was divorced from his first ■rife, and Godwin was an infidel. They were walking together near St. Martin's Church. " Ha," said Opie, " I was martied in that dmreh." " Indeed ! " said Godwin, '** and I was christened in it." "It is not s^,good shop,*' replied Opie, their work don't last.The end ot ['% candle.— To gife lights The mkn who <ftras beat on a purpose, is in straightened circumstance*. Those who find the rudiments of mathematics too pros/, should; try the rule of tbreft-in-verße. > " The prisoner has a very smooth eoun-, tenancel'? "Yes, he was ironed just before* he wasbtotfghtin." ' '"' '" Why is a lady's ringlet like one of Dickeffis* novels?— Because it is all of a *wist.

The man tfho ate hi* dinner with the fork of * r nwee has been attempting to spin x^u'titain top. „ , Why is a donkey which cannot hold up ita bead like next Monday I—Because1 — Because its neck's weak. Am editor out West' heads his list of marriages with "Noose Items." Another oJU them " Feats of the Bing." It was onoe said of a penurious moneylender that he kept the trunk containing his securities near the head of his bed, ; sad lay awake to hear them accumulate

intwMt, « A notice over the sleeping-car office in Atlanta read* : *' Births can be secured here.". , „ The right kind of timber for castle* in ike air— ■im-beam«. Some people are like itopped clocks ; tfoey have'ut got any tick. It v nib unedtamon thing for hot words to produce coolness.