FACETIÆ .

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 212, 22 February 1872, Page 7

FACETIÆ .

- A bat that frequently flies in the day--time — a fcrick-bat. " I pride myself," says Naggs, "on playin' the fiddle like Paganinny, or any other ninny." __^^ „----" -- -~ - .. A young lady recently tried to do up her back hair with a honey-comb to make, it look "sweet."

The newest charm is in the form of a compass, and about the size of a cent. The oldest charm is in the form of an encompass, and about the si«hs of assent. A Kansas paper informs the public that "Mr. fof Missouri, got tc owning horses that didn't belong to him, and the next thing he knew, he couldn't get his feet down to the ground." A Connecticut paper says that a lawyer hung oat his shingle in the town of Bethel, in that State, but left af:er a year, he having had only one case, that of inflammatory rheumatism. Fashionable young lady. — " Oh, papa, you mast let me go to the concert ; lam so fond of mu3ic." Juvenile brother (triumphantly)— " Then why don't you let me pay my drum 1 " 1 ' He suddenly doubled himself up as though he had been knocked in the stomach by a steam donkey, and his ponderous jaws swung open." That's the rather inelegant way a Cihcinnatian laughed. A Modern Conundrum. — If a milkmaid, four feet ten inches in height, while -sitting on a three-legged stool, took four pints of milk from every fifteen cows, what was the size of the field in which 'the animals grazed, and what was the girl's age? - . """An English writer advises young women to look favourably upon those engaged in agricultural pursuits, assigning as one reason that their "-Mother Eve marritsd a gardener." He forgot to add that in consequence of the match the gardener lost his situation. Moral thought by Mrs. Malaprop (after sharing with a lady friend a bottle of Veuve Clicquot) - " Ah, dear me f well, the pleasures of life are sweet ; but how soon they pass away ! How effervescent they are."—" Punch." Oswego colored conversation : " I say, Baz, where do^dat comet rise at ? " It" rises in de, forty-six meridan ob de frigid zadiac, and laid down in the Comic Almanack " " Well, where does it set, Baz-?" "Sot,- yon black fool ! It doesn't set nowhere. When it getr tired of shining it goes*into its hole." What can be wetter than a woman with a cataract in her eyes, a waterfall on- her head, a creek inher back, forty springs in her shirts, high tied shoes and a notion in her head ?

A rural editor has lost all faith in the luck of horse shoes. He nailed one over his door recently, and that morning there came by mail three duns and seven " stops," and a man called with a revolver to ask, " who wrote that article." "Excuse this bit of sarcasm," said Smith to Jones, "but I must say that you are an infamous liar and scoundrel." "Pardon this bit of irony," said Jones to Smith, as he knocked him over with a poker. Tis distance lends enchantment to the view. An old Dutchman, who nome years ago was elected a member of the Canadian Legislative, said, iv his broken English style,. "Yen I vent to the lechislature, I tought I vould find dem all Solomons dere, but I soon found dere vas some as-pick fools as I vas."

A clergyman wished to know whether the children of his parishonew understood their Bible. He asked a lad whom he found one day reading the Old Testament, who was the wickedest man. "Moses, to be sure," said the boy, ."Moses," exclaimed the> parson, "how can that be?" "Why," said the lad, " he broke all the commandments at once."

Recently a woman was arraigned before a magistrate for some misademeanour. The usual questions were put to her : " What is your occupation ? " "\ have none, sir," was the reply. . " Well, how do you live?" "I live on provisions." She was allowed .to go unfined.

Experienced Night Nurse (sternly)— " Come, come, sir ! you must- 3top that horrid noise. If you keep wheezing and like that all night, how am I to get to sleep! "—"Punch." A. wmewhat juvenile dandy said to a fair partner at a ball ; " Don't you think, miss, nay moustaches are becoming?" To Which she replied : " Well, sir, they tfcsy to coming, but they have not yet arrived?"

" Which, my dear lady, do you think the merriest place in the world?" " Thai immediately Above the atmosphere th*t surrounds the earth, I should think ." "And why bo?" "Because I am told that there all bodies lose their gravityi"v A Washington editor ii mad because a compositor headed his editorial "The Champagne Opened," when he wrote *' The Campaign Opened." He says that printer is always thinking about something to drink.