FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 211, 15 February 1872, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

Green Gages. — Lovers' vows. The net to catch a wife with : A coronet.

Some girls are like old muskets : they use a pood deal of powder, but won't go off.

Those who most frequently visit the watering places in the summer are milkmen.

A little boy had been cautioned never to take the nest ' egg when gathering the eggs ; but one day the girl reached the nest first, seized an egg, and starred for the house. Her disappointed brother followed, crying, "Mother! mother! Susy's been and got the egg the old hen measures by ! " The singer who brought down the house has refused to rebuild it.

A Con for the Connubial. — When your husband slaps your face, why is he like a working jeweller ? Because he makes an

ear ring ! How to make a dull fellow lively : — Marry him to a girl named Annie, when, of course, lie becomes Annie-mated.

A Miss Bain, of Montreal, has sued her lover for what she calls "extras." She says she will explain when the trial comes on

A woman that marries a man simply lieoanse lie is a good match, must not be surprised if he turns out a Lucifer. A lady editor in Wisconsin advertises in her own paper for a husband. She Bays he must be a printer, and possess means sufficient to buy a new press.

• A Distinction and a Difference. — Aunt : " Candidly, don't you think that yon've had enough, £thel ? "—Ethel : "I may think so, Aunfcy, but I don't feel so."

An attendant at Mount Vfirnon not long ago observed a lady weeping most bitterly, her handkerchief to her eyes. Going up to her, he said, " Are you in trouble, madam ?" "No, sir," she sobbed. "I saw you weeping." "Ah," she said, " how can one help weeping at the grave of the Father of his Country V " Oh, indeed, madam," said he, "that's it. The tomb's over yonder. This is the icehouse.?'

Terrible Bathing Woman : " I'll see you again to-morrow, my little gentleman." Shivering Boy : " Y-e-e-e-s ; but c-couldn't you p-p-put a p-p-pail of warm water in the sea. please?"

A Brooklyn husband, who was kissing the chambermaid a little, was surprised by his wife, but got off with only one black eye by quoting Mrs. Stanton, who says, "The freer the relations between human beings the happier."

A city paper tells of a man who " died Life is full of these pleasant surprises. ' This motto ought to be placed on the bill of fare of some restaurants: — "No customer can go further and fare worse." *■ Tike Detroit '* Post " says : — A young lady went to the new bath-house the other day, and the attendant asked her what temperature she would have. With an ingenuous smile the sweet child of nature replied : "I don't care for none," and was shown to her room.

A Chinese thus describes a trial in the English law courts :—": — " One man is quite silent, another talks all the time, and twelve wise men condemn the man who has not said a word,"

A man who wanted to buy a horse asked a friend how to tell a horse's age. (l By his teeth," was the reply. The next day the man went to a horse dealer, who showed him a splendid black horse> - - The horse hunter opened the animal's mouth, gave one glance, and turned on his heel. " I don't want him," said he ; " he's thirty-two years old." He had counted the teeth.

The --- following -conversation recently took place in a West-end music establishment between a junior partner "of tlie firm, a handsome young man, and a pretty girl who desired to purchase some music :—": — " Will you havethe goodness to name some of the newest songs to me 1 " — " Do you know ' Love's Longing V" — " That I know."—" Have you had ' The first Kiss 1 "— " Yes, I have already had ;tliat."— " Fly with me and by my Wife 1" "^That would suit me very well."