FACETAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 210, 8 February 1872, Page 7

FACETAE.

When lovers quarrel, do they return the kisses ? A Luncheon Bar — Not having the tin to pay for it. Does a ship only wear barnacles when she goes to sea ? It is curious, but the end of a wail is generally blubber. Which is best — the song of the nightingale or the lay of the barn door fowl ?—? — Shut up, and pass the egg spoon. ' The anchor's weighed, and is shortly going to be sold for old iron at all the dockyards. " You're in good spirits," said the distiller to his clerk, who had just tumbled into a full rat. What is the difference between Kate Coventry and Byron's Conrad ? — She was a lady who loved to course hares ; he was a c»rsai£ who loved two ladies. *' But I go on for Ever ! " — There is a movement a-foot to erect a monument to -Kobert Bruce on the field of Bannockburn. Considering the time it took to complete the monument to Wallace, and the probable reluctance of those Scots wha hae for Wallace bled, to bleed again, we trust the movement will not prove an -approach to the discovery of perpetual motion, like the Laureate's " Brook." The Politest of Professors — The dentist who extracts your tooth by cow#e-lation. Ditties for the Downs. — The winner's warble — Haul-in the Downs ! The loser's lay — " farting " is such sweet sorrow ! Tokens of affection. — By an advertisement issued from the office of the Palestine Exploration Fund, it appears that l( photographs of Capt. Warren's squeezes of the Moabitic stone " may be obtained. We all know how devoted this gentleman is to his work, and that ho embraces every opportunity of furthering it ; but enthusiasm which eansed him not only to squeeze this monument, bu fc also to be photographed in the act, is beyond all precedent. It is to be feared he met with only a chilly response. Tied to time — Watchmakers' apprentices. The Road to the Derby.—" Don't go, ma'am ! " Miss Bakbqred — " The wretches are so rude, T shall withdraw ! " Fair Pupils—" Oh, Miss Bakbored, why ?" Bliss B. — " Well, young ladies, I'm not going to be stared at !" [But, if that was all, she needn't have left !] _ Propria, qua Marry — Buss ! — Here's a new development of woman's rights :—: — lowa recently had a wedding in which a female clergyman tied tlie knot, and officially kissed the bridegroom. This will create quite a revolution in religious matters. Of course, if we have sheparsons as well as he parsons, we must liave her-nology as well as hymnology. Hut tlifcn we must also expect not only he-resy, but she she-resy. • la San Francisco, a popular dish is mushroom and beefsteaks. The mushrooms there weigh 600 ounces each. Somebody proposes that bald-headed men should have their monograms painted on the exposed spot. Californians, are putting granite boulders into their bales of wool. Ifc increases the production and profits. A guest at a Western Hotel, finding a long hair in the butter, ordered the waiter to bring him some " bald-headed butter." Why is- a soldier who attempted to bayonet a ghost like an unprincipled fellow ?— Because he sticks at nothing. - The only liberty ; cap, is ..the night cap. In it men visit, ong^hird of- their lives, the-~'6nly land where they are free and equal. . Young gentlemen who would prosper in love should woo gently. It is not fashionable (?) for young ladies to . take ardent spirits. "Mr. D., if you'll have my coat done on Saturday, I'll be for ever indebted to yott."— :" If that's your game it won't be j done,'* replied the tailor. »♦ An American paper says :—": — " The worst joke that was ever perpetrated on scientific men took place at Louisiana, Mo. A man was sick with rheumatism, or soniethiug, andja fellow went round to the doctors and._professors and others, and told ttienJNit'waa the queerest case on record. ■ He said the man had no feeling. Ycu could stick pins in his body all over, and he paid no attention to them at all. He was'perfectly numb. So the doctors got together,, and called on the sick man to experiment. All arrived with pins and needles' and bodkins. The man was asleep, and they got around him, and each one struck his pin into the patient. ' The sick man rolled over and looked at the crowd,* and tltought they had come to dissect hin},/ao he took" a chair in one hand and a .-bedpost in the other, and drove them thence. They are around srith th,eir heads tied up, looking for the man who said that sick man had no feeling _