F A C ET I Æ. .

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 209, 1 February 1872, Page 7

F A C ET I Æ. .

Jg How to get along well — Have it dug "deep. A thief returned some abstracted clothing that proved too small, and wrote to the owner that he would wait for him to grow. "Fortune's hand," says a povertystricken writing-master, ' ' is remarkable for its heavy down-strokes." A sugar whistle has been invented by an ingeuioi'B Yankee, which is guaranteed to give sweet music. It is related, as a " queer social incident," that a Michigan man lately eloped with his own wife by mistake. An American author has reason to believe thrit when the wages of the mechanics fire raised to eight and ten dollars a day, the workmen will not come at all, they will merely send their cards. Can you realise Mrs, Malaprop's bewilderment at hearing her grandson read from an article in the paper about Rome — " The ground if» so parched that it is full of fishera?" A coloured orator in Ohio the other day demonstrated the liberality of his views by exclaiming, " I pray T may live to see the day when the coloured man may forget his prejudices so far as to be willing to receive all other races as his equals. 1 ' A man in Illinois went to collect a debt of seventy-five cents, and being unsuccessful, put ou a pair of brass knuckles, with which he struck .the- debtor a blow that broke liis neck, and now the money will have to be collected by tedious process of law from his estate. The lesson to impatient creditors is a most wholesome

one. A young man who carried a collection plate in service, before starting took from h;s pocket a florin, as he supposed, put it. on the plate, and then passed it round among the congregation, which included many young girls. The girls, as they looked at the plate, all seemed astonished and amused, and the young man, taking a glance at the plate, foimtjLshat instead of a florin he had a conversation lozenge, ■with the words, " Will you many me ? " in red letters staring everybody right in the face. Why is an old coat like an iron kettle 1 Becaus&ifc l'epresents hard wear. With tears in her eyes, a little girl of live summers asked — " Will dear little brother Johnny die to-night, mother ? " And when she was assured that the doctor thought not, she continued, while sobs choked her utterance — " Poor Johnny ! I wish he would, 'cause then I could have his little white-handled knife vandfork!" y £- " Drop a line if you wish to see me," is the fish said to the angler. ■^ Bow should a balloon ascent be det scribed ? Jn inflated language. Song for Magistrates — " Let us speak of a man as we've fined him." Fovil Play — Serving you with an old hen when you call for a spring chicken. Couldn't Stand it. — A tailor's apprentice, who sedmed to be pained a good deal by thn cross-leg attitude, was asked how he liked tailoring, to which he replied, "Very well ; but I believe I shall never bo able to stand sitting." . Clerkly' Criticism. — Clerk in the civil service, log. : " Ministers don't say this time that the estimates have been framed ■with a due regard to economy. Haw ! No ! Fact is. they've been framed with

an undue regard to economy." Mrs. Muffin (after a thirty miles ride by express): "Muffin! there's something wrong, the passengers are getting out on the wrong kide !" Muffin : " Why, don't you see you are riding with, your back to the engine ? It's all right !" Mrs. Muffiu : " Back to the engine ! If I'd known it, what a headache I should have had !" The largest things about ladies' bonnets at present is their price. A young gentleman Says he thinks that young ladies who refuse good offers of marriage are too -" No-ing by half." " Miss Julia," said a gentleman to a lady in a shower, " permit me to walk by you, and to shelter you with my umbrella." " I see," archly said the lady, * f you want. to be ii^y rain beau." Conjugal Reflection. —A woman with two heads may be found to be attractive. *? But conceive," says Mr. Phunky, "a wife" having two tongues ! Woe betide ihe husband who yields to her attractiveness !" Two San Francisco barbers, engaged to fight a duel, agreed to start and walk around a street, and when they got within sight of each other to blaze away. When they turned the corner out of sight both Started on a run in different directions. One has sent from Alaska for his winter clothes, and the other has written to his wife from the city of Mexico, asking her tosenil his linen coat and palmleaf hat.