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Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 207, 18 January 1872, Page 7

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Miraculous Cure. — Recovery of a bad debt. When are soldiers like good flannels ? When they -won't shrink. When cannot a toper stand \ipright? When h.e's in-knee-briated. Of what trade are bees? They are oomb-makers. Why is a young lady forsaken by her lover like a deadly weapon ? . Because she is a cutlass. Why are young ladies so partial to sunBet and twilight ? Because they are daughters of Eve. " Pacific Mails " is the name given to good-natured husbands in California. An American paper mentions the case of an Irish teamster employed at. a c >a,l whavf, who was threatened with dismissal by his employer "on the ground of stupidity and perfect inability to learn anything. Pat protested that he had learned something in that service, and, on being challenged to state ib, replied, " Shure I have learnt that 38 cwt. makes a ton !.ii— -*fe keipt his place, and got an increasVofjEj^^ A cynical man says the reason women are so fond of writing letters is that they rejoice in the opportunity of saying all they wish without the possibility of an interruption. When is the most dangerous time to visit in the country ? When the trees are shooting and the bull-rnshes oiit. A man is in no danger as long as he talks love, but when he writes it he is impaling himself on his own pothooks most effectually. " I say, colonel did yon hear my last speech ? " asked a young politician aspirant of an old veteran. " I hope it was your last," sneered the veteran. '' My dear boy," said a fond mother, " never defer till to-morrow what you can do to-day." " Then, mother," replied the urchin, "let's eat the plum pudding to-night." A Berkshire papa puts it thus to his daughter's beau :—": — " Jim !if yon want Lv you can have her ; but I don't want you hanging around unljss you mean business. If. you intend to marry her, hurry up, for I can't be kept awake nights much longer." A lisping mother, who had presented her infant at the baptismal fount for christening, on being asked by the clergyman, "What name?" responded in a whisper, "Luthy, thir," when, to the horror of the whole congregation and the consternation of the mother, he christened the baby — Lucifer. At a printers' festival the following sentiment wa3 proposed : " Woman, second only to the press in disseminating news." The ceremony of tying the knot is much simplified in the Hoosier State, as the following scene will show :—": — " What is . yo-ir name, sir ? " " Matty." " What is your name miss ? " " Polly " " Matty, do you love Polly?" " N T o mistake." " Polly, do you "love Matty ? " •' Well, I reckon." " Well, then *' I pronounce you man and wife, All the days of your life."

The .height of pugilistic sarcasm was I reached one "day oy Jim"TMace, who," speaking of a rival accused of beating his wife, said : '' What ! him? He couldn't lick a postage-stamp." The witty man of the Middle Temple sttwlents said at a city chop-house, "I ■woi^tpayfor steaks as tough as these ; no law caiv^sompel me ; they're not legal tender."

A schoolmaster in Bridgeport, Connecticut, who asked a small pupil of what the surface ©f the esu-th consists, and was promptly answered, s< Land and water," varied the question slightly, that tlie fact might be impressed on the boy's mind, and asked, " What, then, do land and •water make ? ", to which came the immediate response, " Mud ! "

A New Mexican telegraph operator, whose wires blew down, fixed matters by scalping the first squaw that came along of her lioonskirts, and using that for wire.

A man, apparently dead, was taken to the Detroit police station in a waggon.

«ter all efforts to rouse him had fai'ed c a coroner sent for, the deceased ened his eyes and bawled out, " 'Hah f'r Lmkura.

The reporters interviewed a Louisiana prisoner until he begged piteoiMy 1 to \>e hanged,