FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 206, 11 January 1872, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

"Why should an invalid envy a, red herring? — Because it is cured. Itis not a vtry good definition of a coffin to call it ilie house tha.fc a. man lives in when he is dead. What's the diiference between a chilly man and a hot dog I—One1 — One wears a great coat, the other -pants. An old man is ' easier robbed than a young one, for his locks are few, and his gait is generally bi*oken. When are some comic papers the sharpest ? — When they are filed. Why might you suppose a young lady who speaks her mind to be masculine? •— Uecause she is Frank. During peace, a regiment is quartered ; during • war time it is occasionally cut to pieces. A man who sees a battle from a balloon is generally a hi^h-witness." To Watchmakers : How many cai'aos go to a moderately-sized good turnip I An Eclipse of the Son : Cut off without a penny. ■ There is much talk of a certain " Battle of Dorking." Surely tho contest so named is illegal, Is not the " Battle of Dorking" a cock-Gicht? Mistress-: " That's a curious locket you

have there, Jane." — Jane : : "Yes mim ! It's a relict of my family. "--Mistress : "A relict 1 " — Jane : "Yes, mmi 1 (with solemnity) a'air-b'loou ! " Why are good resolutions like fainting

ladies?— They want carrying out. A man in New "Y«>rk has got himself j ito trouble by marrying two wives. A man did a similar tiling by marrying

Seth has been experimenting in horticulture lately, and having been eminently

successful in raising a goodly crop of corns

called at Breok's agricultural warehouse t > to' purchase a boot-tree — designing to grow his ovra boots. A Californian cattle raiser has been trying the experiment of training prairie wolves as sheep-dogs, but finds the sheep get killed before the education of the wolves is complete

Philosopher say that shutting the eyes make the sense of hearing more acute. A •wag suggests that this accounts for the many that are seen closed at church every, Sunday. A man was arrested in Buffalo last week L for stealing a barrel of salt. When arraigned in. the Court he pleaded dist't ite. " You couldn't eat salt," said the Judge. " Oh, yes I could, with the meat I intended to steal." This reply cost hi six months. The Judge, had no appreciation of delicate humour.

A charactei'istic advertisement appears

in an Irish newspaper, as follows :—: — " Whereas Patrick Malony has fraudulently taken, away several arti^es of wearing apparel without my knowledge, this is therefore to inform him that if he does not forthwith return the same, his name

shall be made public."

A beggar asking alms under the name of a poor scholar, a gentleman to whom

he applied himself asked him a question 'in Latin. The fellow, shaking his head,

said he did not understand him. ' ' Why,'' said the gentleoian, " did not you say you were a poor scholar?" "Yes," 'replied the other "a, poor one indeed, sir, for I do- not understand one word of Latin."

Some cne says poetically that woman is-

the melody of the human duet.

Guest : "How comes this dead fly in mv soup?" Waiter: "In fact, sir, I have no positive idea how the poor thing came by his death. Perhaps it had, not taken any food for a long time, dashed

upon the soup, ate too much of it,' contracted an inflammation of the 'stojmach > that- brought on death. The fly 'must ,- have had a weak constitution, for when I .served up the soup it was dancing mprrily upon the surface. Perhaps — and the idea presents itself only at ijhis' moment — it endeavored to swallow too large ai piece of vegetable ; this, remaining fast }n tho throat, caused a choking in the windpipe. £his is the only reason I could give for the death" of that insect ! " ',

A friend passing along a village street wds painfully bitten by an ugly dog. 'A single' blow of a heavy stick, skilfully '.aimed, was' sufficient to kill the animal instantly ; but the enraged pedestrian _ still continued to. pummel, tlie corpse^ till, • little vestige of canine form remained. At length, he was accosted with, " What a*e - you- about-?- -That dog has' been de; d these ten minutes." " T know it," w, s the reply ; " but I want to give the beast a realising sense that there is a punishment after death."

- - A -good story is told of a rather verdant laborer, who., having by hook and by crook scraped together 50 dollars, took lt.to his employer,- with a request to take charge of it for him. A year after -t(he:vlafcprer went to ,another friend to knowwhat would be the interest on it. He was tojd three dollars. " Well/ said he, *'T wish you woxild lend me three dollar^ for a day .or two. "My boss has been keeping 50 dollars for me a year, and I want to pay him the interest cm

1 PROVINCIAL AND GENERAL.

Mr. Childers has been appointed Agent-General for Victoria in London. The "Cb>rlfton Herald" remarks upon the march of civilisalion by the introduction of bell-toppers, which are floating in mid Jiair in the various thoroughfares. A rather carious case of forgery is reported by the " Hokitika Legider" Mr. Eichard Reeves (for Mr. Cassius) was engaged to sell- on Thursday last the Camp Hotel, at Ross, on behalf of Mr. Martin O'Hara. On the previous evening, however, he received a letter signed " Martin O'Hara" stating the sale would be postponed, and consequently Mr Reeves did not go to Ross. The letter turned out to be a forgery, and Mr. O'Hara, naturally indignant at Mr. Reeves's seeming neglect, transferred the sale to Mr. Todd.; who proceeded to Ross on Friday, and sold, the hotel. The matter is now in the hands of the poliecj, and a reward of £5 is offered for the discovery of the person who perpetrated the' forgery.

If brevity really is the soul of wit, three speeches delivered at the Kyneton GrenpralSe^sions yesterday (states the "Guardian" of Gth December) must' be classed as the wittiest on record. The evidence having been concluded in the prosecution of Henry Hinos, for larceny, ilie public- were treated to the following specimens of forensic eloquence: — Mr. O'Lough!en (Crown Prosecutor) : " I shan't address the jury;" Mr. M. G. Byrne (counsel for the prisoner) : " I don't intend to make a speech ; " his Honor the Judge (summing up) : " Gentlemen, the caseis entirely in your hands." The jury emulated the promptness of counsel and judge, and acquitted the prisoner without hesitation.

Speaking of tho educational status of Now Zealand, the "Thames Advertiser" says: — "As a means of comparison of the educational position of the provinces, we may give the males who.cannot read, takiug the provinces in the order of merit: — Otago, 173 ; Westland, 246; Nelson, 282 ; Taranaki, 302 ; Southland, 303 ; Canterbury, 3-12 ; Hawke's 8ay, 335 ; Auckland,. 398 ; Wellington, 4G9 ; Marlhorough, 4 - 87. It is rather surprising to find Westland stand so high, and we think its position shows that a goldmining population is likely to stand higher with respect to education than almost any other section of the population.

Drinks have been reduced to (*d. on the Ahaura, and great has been the rejoicing thereat.

From the Queensland statistics of production we learn thut during the year IS7O the Crown Lands sold venlised £76-,563. The squatting runs number 2228 ; the acres leased, 109,492,33 k The area under cultivation was 52,210, of which 14,674: acres were^ bearing cotton, and 6341 sugarcane. Cotton culture commenced in IS6O, sugar in 18GI-. The following fctcts show the progress of manufacture —

18C9. IS7O. Number of sugar mills ... 28 > 30 Sugar manufactured, tons ... 1490 2S5i Molasses, gallons ... 137,589 17-7.656 T >b f'd" Ue>~

Numbers Oi istiLleries 8 10 Rum distilled, proof, gallon... 74,483 124,065 Of wheat there were 2891 acres, of hay 130 acres, of maize 16,039 acres, and green food for cattle 343 acres ; of barley for grain the fodder there were 750 acres. The sown grasses for hay, &c, covered 2000 acres. Vines covered 210 acres, and bananas 339 acres, the pineapples 179 acres, gardens and orchards 1728 acres.

Besides three American schemes for connecting the Pacific States with Japan, China,. and Oceamca it is proposed to lay a telegraphic cable from San Francisco to Melbourne, via Honolulu and Fiji.

A new sect has been established at. Stawell (Victoria) in connection with the Sunday evening services. They have adopted the title of Progressionists as embodying the opinions of those only who individually accept them. The following (says the " Pleasant Creek News ") are a few of the opinions so expressed — •" That man, as a spirit, is immortal. That death is but the birth into another condition of life, where the soul retains its experience of the past, and where developement or progression is its endless destiny. That the spiritual world is not far off, but is near to, and encompasses us in our present existence. That the excessive yielding to the material nature is, for the most part, punished in this life,' though the soul, after the physical change called 'death,' also sufferings therefrom, but these suffers are not eternal. -That Divine inspiration, or the promptings to the human soul from the infinite parent, is not a miracle of past ages, but a perpetual fact." "It is- quite' chatacferisfcie of Governor Bowen that when he lately went i*ound from Wellington to" Wanganui, in the p.s-/ he took -with him a detachment or the .Wellington Volunteer Artillery, which was landed first, so as tpj be ready to fire a salute when his Excellency stepjsed ashore. ' A terrible fate is in store for the Australian .colonies .(says a Melbourne paper), that is if the Cassandra-like prophecy "of a Mr! Hercules Ellis, of Dublin, has .any chance of fulfilment. " According to this gentleman the' earch is becoming appreciably warmer ; a few more degrees of heat at the equator and animal and life will perish, leafing; a zone Of intense heat. When

this happens of course there will be a complete wall of fire encircling our globe, severing the two hemispheres, and rendering any communication between them impossible. Europe and Australia will be practically as much apart from each other as if they were in different planets. Telegraphic intercourse will be impossible, and all ocean traffic must be suspended. Mr. Ellis leaves us one consolation. The Australians will not for ever be cut off from" the rest of the worlfl. According to him, " the earth, happily, is enjoying its spring — the time of vegetation and life ; but presently ? beginning at the equator, life will be "burnt out, and the earth become a sun. Then the moon, now a region of ice, will get vivifying rays from our globe, and it will enjoy its season of life until the earth begins to cool. But the sun will again enter upon i+s period of spring, and as the planetary years roll round, the earth, of which we have traces of the last of these seasons of life, fire and frost, will become once more as now." When that time comes whatover race of l>ein»B people the earth will be able to roaru. over its surfaces unhindered by the belt of fire that awaits the present inhabitants of our world. The prospect is pleasant — in the distance ; but for those who may have to bear the gradually heatincreasing "process, the look-out is anything reassuring. Scientific men dream as well as others, and Mr. Ellis, let us hope, is only indulging in a little harmless flight of his imagination.