FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 205, 4 January 1872, Page 7

FACETIAE.

.. A prickly pair — a porcupine and a hedgehog A hint to mothers — treat your babies Jcindly, but not cordial-ly. A tax no one likes — Attacks on one's pocket A newspaper advertisement calls for a plain cook, able to dress a little boy five Tears old "

The- reason why school boys delight to dig and explore caves, is because of the recesses- there People afflicted with corns should go to Cincinatti, were fclie streets are said to be filled with foot- pads. A love letter, picked up in Springfield, 111., had * ne following paragraph :—": — " My lest, loved one, I chawed the postage•tamp on your last letter all to thunder, because f know you licked it on." A veteran merchant says, that although kis clerks are very talkative during the «ay. they are always ready to shut up at flight

WTiea Horace Greeley is asked what jkin.d of music he prefers he answers, " The fiong of the harvest ; three beets to

tfie nigasure. "

A oxi in Wisconsin swallowed forty $>erc«ssion caps. Her mother refrained from -tfpankiiig pr even talking snappish to her.

"fialt " is the subject of the schoolboy's fa test composition •: — "The salt is a spice which spoils the potatoes if you forget to put it on." The best thing out. — An aching t&oth, : •"Why, are hogs like trees ? — Because they , rooPfor a living.

An" old bachelor says that women are - like parrots ; they are willing to be _ *a£e& Up if they only have a ring to play withlr-

Ali old lady told her son to list the door, in order to keep out the wind. *' That will make it worse,", he replied ; '■' lor yon -well know • the wind bloweth •where it listeth.'"

Miv Carver, doing the honours of his table, said to one of his guests, a fash-jooabiy-dressed girl of the period, " I ccc that you have plenty of breast, miss but dfi have a little more dressing. A polite man wa3 once making a vdyage on the Danube, when the boat in which he was, sunk. When he was jusft on the point of dr/wning, ii&goiJaS^ head above the water" for a moment,^ and taking off his hat, said : " Ladies and gentlemen, will you please excuse me ?" and down he went.

There is a paper printed in the Chero-

kee nation in the " native dialect." An Arkansas editor says : "It is the worst specimen of pickled tongue we ever saw. Itjlpoks as though a nitio-glycerine explosion, had occurred in a type foun''TKe' mphking-bird in Florida "has a special fondness for the berry of the Pride-j)f-Phina_tree, upon the juice of ■which- > he gets- exceeding tipsy. The ■pettacle of a flock of intoxicated mock-ing-birds is Baid to r be equivalent to half aTdozen/ieriiperance lectures." A beggar at a.gentleman's door in Ecunbiirgh, 'one' afternoon, and requested something to ,eat. The famiJy Had had vermicelli soup for_ dinner., a p!atg-pf r : which jvas offered. The old man, netWever;- inisiiakijig the vermicelli for " the other little white fellows," stirred it several limes; with ;his' spoon, and'looking implfcnngly* in the lady's face, said, " VfiFV- ffttir «ulcl man,' and very tharik'fu' for onythiiigye'llgieme, but really mem, I couldiia eat mauglis." " }Vnat is. your ... business V said .'the" judge at the Tombs the other morning toi: r *:iprisoner. I'm an observatiohisfc, y^nr honor." "An observation^ ! What dß", 'that" ' " One who looks around in the daytime to see what he can ' steal at nighty "if it .pleases your, honor." • Itdid.nqt olease his .honor, so. he sent ■'th%^M^aupnist to the -penitentiary for siJ&y days.' * ' -.. »

During 1 the-Voluntary controversy^ Dr,

John Kidiie x of the fotterow Church, E<Snl&irgfi, "-was f ~orie 'of * the foremost

champions on the V<sbifitary Bide. At a~ publia meeting "?* e^4.? n :Puneltte} "the rev- \ efeiid gentteman descanting on the - misrepresentations to which his opponents had subjected 'him. {l They have," he »ai<|, -''c^Hed. me .everything .but a geritfemarii eyery thing but a minister ; nay, they have have compared me to the devil himgelf... Now," he proceeded, coining fatWtßfirtb'fKß front of the platform and exhibiting in well-Bluipe4 limb. *' I ask iftou See 'aiiy doyen foot tJ^re ? * ' Tak Aff^elr^ae.".'^^^,) vociferated, a you^h toW titegwitry, Thgprajory »ac spoflfi'j}.