FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 203, 21 December 1871, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

Some reductive Irishmen have a Galway with them.

Good dogs lie down when you tell them ; bad ones lie up and down generally.

The ptiorest look-out must be out of the Union window.

Some folks, with too much go in them, go to the bad.

A young gentleman in the cricket-field lately caught a ball on his nose, which has since been out of order. It is a great game ! Marriage ia favourable to longevity. Few old maids get beyond thirty.

A Tennessee temperance lecturer denounced rumsellers as worae than murderers. He had a subsequent interview with an urbane and genial hotelkeeper, and wears his left eye in a sling.

Pressed for time. — Egyptian nnimmies,

An Irish editor congratulates himself that '" half the lies told about him ain't true."

If a miser lives next door to you he must be a near neighbour. Blessed as the Peacemakers — even if they make field-pieces. What five names iv the Bible represent a child going to get a whipping 'I— Adam, Seth Eve, Cain Abel.

" We all owe something to our country," as the man said who went abroad ■without haviug~paul his income tax. Trying to get up business without advertising is like winking at a pretty girl through a pair of green goggles. You may know what you are doing, but nobody else does.

Romantic Amelia (wedded to the young doctor, Celadon) : '• Look, Celadon— such a • beautiful sunset ! The sky is all crimson !" Utiromantic Celadon : " Ya-as — appears to have had a mustard plaster on?"

Dr. Hall has written a long article to prove that it is unhealthy for a man and his wife to sleep in the same room, hut the Rome " Commercial " knows of some "wives who would make it unhealthy for their husbands to sleep anywhere else.

Titusville declares that .Nilsson's voice is as musical as the flow of the heaviest lubricating oil.

A Boston school raarra instructs her pupils \ that "a hundred elbs make a cute." She meant that 100 lbs. make 1 cwt.

" Boy, what's become of the hole you had in your pants the other day 1" "It's •prom out, sir."

Teacher — " Gejty, you were a very good girl to-day." Gerty — "Yes, ma'am ; I couldn't help being good — I had a stiff jieck." Poor Mrs. Brown, to hasten things,

Pours oil upon the coal. The neighbours meet at night and pray " Have mercy oaher soul."

A minister in Indiana became mixed up in land speculations, and announced to his congregation that his text would be found in "St. Paul's Epistle to the Corinthians, section four, range three west !" Over the door of a cobbler's shop in Savannah, Gr., appears this, legend: " Boots and shoes ia mad hear— ladies and shentlemens repaired. Kum in here."

He came down to^ro for his morning nip, he raised the glass, he heaved a sigh, and then between each ardent sip he cried, " Oh, how is that for rye V Eyes have they, yet see nob -Needles. Jfcatß have they, yet hear not — Old book I§Wes, Tongues have they, yet taste not — Buckles. Hearts have they, yet pity not — Cabbages. Anns have they, . yet toil not— »Chairs. Hands have they,, yet steal not — Clocks. Lega have they, yet walk not — Tables. Teeth have they!, yet chew not not — Combs! pips havk I they, yet kiss jiotH-Pitchers, : 1 .;-■-. .. ; - .'-..- , | T