FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 200, 30 November 1871, Page 7

FACETIAE.

A Home Melodist. — A baby. To Cricketers in Trouble. — Drown it in a bowl. — " Fun." A Wife's Text.— "The rurht man in

the right place " a husband at home in the evening.

It is a queer woman who asks no questions, but the woman who does is the querist.

Women do not talk, more than men They're listened to more, that is all.

Young ladies suffering from a pane in the side may relieve it by wearing a sash.

When is a soldier not a whole soldier 1 When he's in quarters.

A Water-spout. — A temperance oration.

How to Manage Bachelors. — Missmanage them.

Mythological Festivity. — Hercules going to dine with, his club.

•' What a. funuy ..name .is . yours, Sambo." "Ees, sir, berry- funny; but I got christened Powder Magaziue for a 'ticular object." " Wnat was that, Sambo?" " 'Coss massa, who is berry impetions in temper, darn't blow me lip."

Small and Feeble Husband (meekly) to head of family ("Mrs. ), filling up paper : " What have you put me down as, dear?" H. of ¥. : "I have put you down ag an idiot-, sir." (Collapse of S. andF. H.) >

Connubial Generosity. — " My little angel," asked a fond husband, "are you comfortable in your corner?" "Yes, thanks." "You do not feel cold?" " Not at all." " Yoiw window closes easily?" " Very nicely, dear." "Then ,come and take my place."

They telL of a coloured girl -who rushed into a coloured citizen's arms at Savannah, exclaiming, "Oh, you are ray longlost brother !" She soon discovered her mistake, and rushed off in a confused manner, accompanied by her long-lost brother's pocket-book .'

Dr. Hoger tells a etorj' of a minister named Campbell, of Lilliesleaf, who, oppressed with heat in the inside of a crowded stage-coach, got instant air and elbow-room by pretending that he had been bit by a mad dog, and commencing to "bow, wow, wongh, wough." Judge , in reprimanding a criminal, among other names, called him a scoundrel. The prisoner replied, "Sir, I am not so big a scoundrel as your honour" — here the culprit stopped, but finally added — " takis me to be-." " Put your words closer together," said the judge reddening.

A joke is told by the boatmen of the Bay of Naples of the Wapping sailor in the Mediterranean, who called out to his shipmates one morning, when there happened, after six months' clear weather, to be a slight fog, " Turn out, boys — turn .out ! Here's weather as is weather — none of your blowed blue sky !"

Irish Bulls. — Sir Boyle Boche said, " Single misfortunes never come alone, and the greatest of all possible misfortunes is generally followed by a niueh greater." — An eminent spirit merchant in Dublin announces in an Irish paper that he has still a small quantity of the whisky on hand which was drunk by George TV. when in Dublin.

At a dinner party Erskine was seatednear Miss Henrietta , commonly called Miss Hennie , who had been celebrated for her beauty, but was then somewhat past the meridian of life. " They say you are a great man for making puns," said Miss. Hennie to the wit ; " could you make a pun on me?" " Ah, Hennie," was the cruel rejoinder, " you are no chicken."

An illustration. — A distinguished divine on a certain occasion, while preaching with, his usual eloquence and p<ysex, said, 5' Brethren, I sometimes illustrate' my subject in thp manner, and suiting the action to the word ? put his handkerchief to his nose, and blew a bjast loud enough to awake "the seven sleepers." That was no£ the intended illustration, but some of his iearere thought' that it'was. "