FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 199, 23 November 1871, Page 7

FACETIAE.

Don't let your cattle stray ; they often wander to the most mysterious places ; we once saw a .cowhide in a shoniaker's shop..

The "glove wedding is the latest connubial device, Tt is held to* celebrate the advent of tiie first- " kid " in the family.

There is only one trouble with the big £orn-fields of Illinois. Farmers who get lost inthemare sometimes awayfrom home three days.

ABaltimoce newspaperlias some" Lines to a .Not Beautiful but Very Good Woman in Her Coffin.** We would rejnind the bard that aU women are very good — in their coffins.

In response to an. inquiry -of a scientific publication : •' Whence «ome fleas ? " a 'Western journal says it does not care a pickle, but would like to know where in thunder they go when you go for them. The photograghs of the Grand- Bake Alexis have reached ISLew York ahead of Mm, and reveal* the fact that in regularity <of feature, expression, general graeCousiiess and beauty, an ordinary hedge-fence have greatly the advantage of the Grand Duke.

A correspondent would like to know the meaning of that passage from the Song of Solomon, " Stay m» witlr apples, eomfotL mfrwifclr 'flagons, for I am sick of love." We are no good commentator, but we suppose that was his idea of "tapering off."

The " Anti-Kissing Society," formed by the fascinating damsels at Saratoga, don't seem to work very well, as fifteen out of the twenty-three members were lined the very first week. There will be an -overflowing treasury before long unless the Society disbands.

A correspondent, who devotes much to "reading up" the religious weeklies thinks the reason that those journals afford so much space to quack medicin9 announcements is, that the object of religion and quackery are similar, because both/ prepare us for another and better world. • **

Tt is stated that the Woman's Rights movement as extended to Turkey, and wome'tt are now accorded privileges heretofore Unknown. For example, a wife whose charms are waning is giving a choice between bow-stringing and drowning in a sack. This radical concession is regarded with grave apprehensions by the conservative element.

An editor of one of the New York magazines lately sent back his tailor's bill accompanied by a neatly, printed slip infoming the tailor that his M.S. was "reßpectfully declined." Force of habit. The mistake was not discovered until next day. The tailor discovered it.

A coroner's jury returned a verdict that the deceased came to his death from exposure. " What do you mean by that," asked a relative of the dead man, " there are two bullet holes in his skull." The. coroner replied with waive of his rnagesterial hand, " Just so ; he died from exposure to bullets."

Mr. F, W. Home, who committed suicide recently, left a letter confessing himself a fool. If it be the right thing for .all fools to put a period to their existence, we beg to call the attention of our friends to that fact. Like England, we expect every man to do his duty. — "California paper," It is stated that the Mr. Grote, the historian, requested upon his death bed that his brain might be unboxed and weighed. His wish was complied with, and that organ was found to be disgracehxUy buoyant. Intellectual luminaries flickering fitfully in their sockets, will do well to rest content witli the radiance they have emitted, and not provoke a scrutiny of their wick.

The best thing in the current number of the "Harvard Advocate" is this:— The other day, Molecule propounded the following Atom:— "A boy said to a gentleman, ' My father and mother have a daughter, fcut she is not my sister.' Now, how do you explain that ? " Atom reflected, but in vain. To his every suggestion, Molecule replied by a mild but decided negativp, and at length-Atom was forced to give it np. " Why, it's simple enough s>aid Molecule, -with an exasperating sjnile, ' tho boy lied ! ' "