FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 198, 16 November 1871, Page 7

FACETIAE.

One of the toasts drunk at a recent celebration was, "Woman! She requires no enlogy — sh-e speaks for herself. 7 ' We are told that there is nothing made in vain. But how about a pretty young girl I Isn't she maiden vain ? A young lady went into a music store and asked the clerk if he had " Loving Eyes." He replied, " I'm told so by the girls." A female barber out West has retired iroin business on account of the appearance of a little shaver. What is the difference between a-sol-dier and a fashionable young lady I—One1 — One .iaccs.the powder, and the other powders the face. ' The young lady at Allemagoozalum up with the lark is down with •the rheumatism. By the' Woman's Bights Association : iVdoesn't take long for a woman to find har "husband" out. The nicest thing in boots : A pretty foot. When is a ship like a scarf-pin ? When it is on the bosom of a heavy swell. Why is there so little flirtarion on board ♦he steamers on the overland route to India?— Because the males (mails) are all tied xvp in bags. Mr. Bechtel, of Indiana, kicked his vrife to death because she wouldn't pick up a saucer he dropped. He will next kick himself to death, at the end of a vope. Why is a thunderstorm like an onion ? — Because its peal on peal. Wlien cannot a toper stand upright ? When he's in-kuee-briated. When may a man be said to be a book 1 When he is a-tome. An American, paper has the following : — " London has smallpox. Vaccinate the cable." An auctioneer at a sale at New Haven produced a statuette of the li Greek ,:.lave," and Baid, " Now, gentlemen, how much am I offered for this beautiful Madonna?" Somebody has written a book entitled " What shall my son be V Upon which some one replies, "If the boy is as bad as the book, the ciiancea are that he will be banged." The story of a lazy schoolboy, who spelled Andrew Jackson " &dru Jaxon," has been equalled by a student who wished to mark half-a-dozen new Blurts. Be marked the first "John Jones" and the rest ' ' do." Somebody calls a toper's nose a vulcano; and the carbuncles eruptions of the crater. "It's 40 years, my old friend John, since we wete boys together." *' Is it 1 — well, don't speak so loud, there's that young widow in the next room." "My dear," said JVlrs. Bumble to her daughter, "you must have something around you in the carriage." Miss B. mentioned the request of her mother to her beau, and he immediately complied ■with it. A western railroad advertises that each train carries a coroner and six jurymen for the convenience of passengers. The " Boston Post," has an announcement of the - death of several citizens " from throat disease, superinduced by razors." Boarder — " This tea seems very weak, Mrs. Skimp." Landlady— " Well. I guess it must.be the warm ■weather. I feel weak myself; in fact every body complains.*' A- clergyman was lately depicting before' a deeply-interested audience the alarming increase of intemperance, when he astonished his hearers by exclaiming : — "A young man in my neighbourhood died very suddenly last Sunday, while I was preaching the Gospel in a beastly ■-state of intoxication." For refinement of horse-thief strategy, go to Texas. Down there these gentlemen go in gangs, headed by a pretended Minister of the gospel, who gets up protracted and zealous meetings, and while he is taking the congregation upwards on the wings of his eloquence, the rank and file make a descent, steal all the horses, and are off before their presence is known. Two San Francisco barbers, engaged to fight a duel, agreed to start and walk around a street, and when they got within sight of each other to blaze away. When they turned the corner out of sight both started on a run in different directions. One has «ent from. Alaska for his winter clothes, and the other has written to his wife from the city of Mexico asking her to send his linen coat and palm- 1 leaf hat. . i Dr. G , of Sycamore, 111., riding 1 in the country ,one day, saw a sign up a gate-post reading thus :—": — " This farm for sale." Stopping his horse, he hailed a little. old woman who stood on tiptoe, .hanging out clothes. "I say, madam, when fa this going to sail?'-' "Just as soon," replied the o\i lady, placing her .tharab-.to her nose, "as anybody comes ■aloUg' -"wild- can- raise the : wind'.". The gootor drove thoughtfully xm, ."'