FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 196, 2 November 1871, Page 8

FACETIÆ.

Malapropiana. After reading Count Bismarck's description of Pavis,as " amadhouse full of monkeys," Airs. Malaprop observed that she thought it only natural that the Parisiansshould resort to a gorilla warfare. A Paradox.— When ashoemaker isgoing to make a boot, the first thing he uses is the last. A Skye Terrier.— The dog star. Questionable Hospitality. — Entertaining an idea. Clap a blister on a poet and it will make Mm soar. When a patient begins to feed more, the .doctor is feed less. What verb is that — in ihe language of jflowers — which few can decline ?— The Verbena. Many a man grumbles because it costs as much per day for ice for his whole family as he pays for a single drink for himself. Things not Generally Known : Poor people. A Capital Fellow : The possessor of

Some tailorswouldmakecapital dragoons they charge so. Why isbattermilk like something which never happened ?— Because it hasn't a curd {occurred.) A good gauge by which to measure aman's character is his lan-guage. A elerg5 r inan sprained Ms ankle and be-

<Jame a lame 'un

We know a tradesman who is such a coward that he is afraid tostrike a balance-

"Mamma," said a little boy wbo had been sent to dry a towel before a tire, " is it done -when it's brown I"

A Fool of the Deepest Dj-e : An old man with magnificent white hair and beard who dyes thepn a muddy black.

A New England minister lately astonished his congregation hy telling them th&t " sorae theologians -write books thai) would knock Moses into pie."

" Mr. Jofies, what makes the canary flloep on one leg?" " I don't thinkanybody .makes him, my dear :' I tliink he does it of his own accord." This motto ought to be placed"" on the bill of fare of some restaurants : "No -customer can go farther and fare worse." The fueling of the present^ time is against the multiplication of special prayers, and v very win les^me one it is ; but we have always felt that had railways existed and been worked as they are at present in 1661 when the Prayer-book was revised there Would liave been a speckl service composed (to follow, perhaps, that v to be used at sea ") in behalf of railway passengers that they mi'4ht be preserved from sudden danger and bloody death. — "Pall Mall Gazette." To Mill-owners. to increase ynur hands without extra expense. — Double your fists. A Grate Coat. — Black lead. Foot-pads. — Bunion plasters. Why is a bridegroom like a morning caller? — Because he rings the bell (c), gives his name to the maid, and after that gets taken in. Shakespere says that " use strengthens habit ; ' — clearly a mistake, for old Tidy says that he tried the experiment on a coat and it did not answer at all. Horn can be softened by being placed in hot sand ; or, what is better, hot mashed potatoes ; also by boiling and steaming. When shaped to the required form plunge in cold water.

" Th<»e apples are not fit for a hog to ■eat,"*Baid a. kid-gloved dandy to an apple "•woman. 1 You just try one and see," she retorted.

Boarder : " This lea seems very weak, s Mrs". Skemp." Landlady—" Well I guess it must be t the warm weather. I feel weak myself ; in fact everybody co'mpkins. .Old John Berry, who us- 1 ' S live up Lake Cham plain, liked to te 9k >ig story. One evening, sitting in the village store, he said he once drove a horse seventy-two

miles in one day on the ice, when the ice

was so tliin that the water spirted up thrpugh the holes cut through it by the horse's hoofs. One of the bystanders remarked that seventy-two miles m a day was a pretty good drive for one 'day. •" Yes," said Uncle John, " bqfc it-was a long day in June. . ' " Who dare spit .tobacco juice on the* floor of this car ? " Bavagely exclaimed a • large and powerfully built passenger, as he arose from his seat and stalked down the

aisle, frowning defiantly upon the other passengers. ' ' I dare ! " said a burly-look- " ing fello.w, as he deliberately sqoirted a quantity of the obnoxious aasva V»pon the floor of the aisle. "All righst,."..said . the first speaker, slapping the .other "in a irieudly manner' upon the shoulder, •'give us a chew of tobacco, "