JOSH BILLINGS ON FLIZE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 196, 2 November 1871, Page 7

JOSH BILLINGS ON FLIZE.

I hate a fli. • j A fli has got no manners. . j He ain't no gentleman. • \ He's an introoder, don't send in no; kard, nor as an interduckshun, nor' <ion't knok at the front door, apdj nuver, nuver, thinx ov takin off his' hat. ' ' ; , Fust you kno he iz In bed with, youf and up your 'noze — tho what he wants] thar iz a mistry, and he invites hisself' to breakfast, and sets doun in your,* butter without brushin his pants. J - He helps hisself to sugar and meat, and merlasses, and bred and persu'nves and vinegy — ennytbing, and don't \y&ii

for no invitation. He's got a good appetite, and jist az sun eat one thing az an uther.

Taint no use to challenge him for takin liberties ; he keaps up a hostile korrespondence with you whether you like it or not, and shoots hisself at you like a bullit, and he never . misses, nuver.

He'll kiss your wife 20 times a day, and zizz zoo and ridikule you if you say a word, ami he'd ruther you'd slap at h.m than not box ; he's a dodger of the dodginist kind. Every time you slnp you don't slap him but slap yourself, and he zizz z and pints" the hind leg of skorn at you, till he aggravates you to distrakshun.

He glories in lightin every pop on the ixacdt spot whar you druv him from, wich proves the intention to tepze you. Don't tell me he ain't got no mind; he knows what he is after ; he's got sense, and too much ov ifc, tho he never went to skool a day in his life, ixcept in a supe dish. He's a mean, malignaut, owdashus, premeditated cuss. His mother never paddled him with a slipper. His morals was negleekted, and he lax a good dele of humanity mitely/ He aiu't bashful a bit, and I clout if lie blushes ofting. In fackt, he was nuver fetched up a tall.

He was born full grown ; he don't get old — uther things gits old, but he is impendent and mischievous to the day .of his deth.

He droopz in cold wether, and you kan mash him on a window pain, and you've jest put your finger in it. He comes agin next yeer, and a beep more withe him. 'Taint no use.

One fli to a family might do for amuzement, but the good of so monny flize I be dogon if I can see, kin you ? I has thort much about flize, and I has notist how ofting they stop in their deviltry to comb their heads and skrateh thar noze with thar fourlegs, and gouge their arm-pits under thar wings, and the tops of thar wings with thar legs.

And my kandid^ opinyin ar, that flize is lowsy; they caches all the time, is misserbul, and that makes 'em bad tempered, and want to make uther peepil miserabul, too. Ef that aint the flossify of flize, I give up.

Altho a fli don't send in his kard, he always leaves one, and I don't like it. 'Taint pritty. if 'tis round ; he kant make a cross-mark, only a dot, and he is always dotting whar thar ain't no is. Thar's no end to his periods, but he nuver comes to a full stop. Such handritin is disagroabil. He's an artist, but his fresco and his wall paperin I don't admire. Thar's too much sameness in bis patterns. His specs is the only specs that don't help the eyes. You kant see tbroo urn, and you don't want to, I hate a fli. Darn a fli.